When the Abuser Flips the Table
“There you go again,” your soon-to-be ex snaps. “Why are you yelling at me? You’re abusive. Maybe you need therapy because I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Spoiler alert: They have, in fact, done something wrong.
When the abuser flips the table, so to speak, they can make you feel like you’re losing your mind. They may not hurt you physically, but emotional damage like this can sting even worse.
You’re not at the mercy of your abuser, though. By recognizing their underhanded tactics, you’ll be better prepared to fight back.
The Dirty, Crazy-Making Tricks Abusers Pull To Convince You That You’re the “Bad Guy”
Abusers are masters at emotional manipulation. Many have honed their techniques for years, and they’re scarily good at what they do.
Gaslighting is one of these techniques. It involves misdirection, essentially shifting the blame from them to you in a way that makes you feel you’re losing your mind.
For example, a gaslighting pro might deliberately do something hurtful, then say, “You’re too sensitive,” or “That never happened.”
Gaslighting can also involve false accusations where the abuser flips the table and makes it seem as though you’re the one who deserves blame. For example, suppose your spouse is an alcoholic, and you call them out for drinking when they were meant to be watching the kids.
They say, “I wouldn’t have been drinking if you hadn’t been checking out that guy at the grocery store,” even though you did nothing of the sort. Suddenly, you’re the one under the microscope. The abuser has successfully shifted blame from themselves to you.
Recognizing Self-Defense vs. Abuse
A very common tactic abusers use is to push their victims until they snap and turn to reactive abuse. The victim might scream back or even hit the abuser. This gives the abuser even more ammunition to use against their victim. “You’re the abusive one,” they tell you.
Is that really true? Probably not. These are clear signs that it’s self-defense, not abuse:
- Your actions are out of character. You’ve never yelled at or hit anyone else before.
- You feel guilty for what you did afterward.
- You didn’t initiate the abuse. You only lashed out after the abuser struck first.
- You feel confused about why you acted the way you did.
Beating Emotional Abusers at Their Own Game
The only real way to beat an emotional abuser at their game is not to play. The abuser wants a reaction from you, so don’t give them one.
Walk away from the conversation (or better yet, leave the house if the abuser lives with you). Call a trusted friend and talk about what happened. It can also be helpful to journal about the incident.
We Refuse To Let That Abuser Walk All Over You
When an abuser flips the table, flip it back by calling Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C. Our attorneys have seen it all, and we know how to handle abusive gaslighters with the help of Protection from Abuse (PFA) orders and divorce assistance. You’re never alone when you have our firm looking out for you.
To schedule a consultation, call (215) 752-6200.
