Limiting Communication During the Divorce

It is 3am—your mind is racing, you are raging, and you can’t sleep. You’re filled with hurtful memories, anger, or fear. You want to text your spouse, vent your feelings, and express what you really think of them.

Don’t. Absolutely do not. To borrow from the Miranda Rights, in a divorce, anything you say or do can be used against you in your Bucks County divorce proceedings.

Communication don’ts

Divorce, by its very nature, is emotionally upsetting. You and your spouse have probably experienced an extended period of unhappiness, disagreement, and negative communication, leading to divorce. But while divorce may hold out hope for a peaceful life afterward, the process of ending that relationship brings all that hurt and anger to the forefront.

You must demonstrate self-control during the entire divorce process. If you need to rant, rant to a good friend or a therapist, not to your spouse. Your spouse’s legal team will be looking for signs of instability in your behavior, and late-night rantings are just what they’re looking for.

This also applies to social media. Never post anything on social media about your divorce or your spouse that could be used against you. Name-calling, airing grievances online, and insulting or demeaning your spouse could be very harmful to your case.

Your spouse’s team will look for lack of judgment, lack of restraint, and lack of self-control. Any inappropriate communication between you and your spouse will be used as evidence that could sway negotiations or the judge in your spouse’s favor. The court understands that divorce is a painful process, and we all have difficult moments, but irrational or insulting behavior will not be viewed favorably.

Communication dos

Before reaching out, ask yourself if you really need to communicate with your future ex. If it is not necessary, don’t. If it is necessary, for example, something important regarding one of your children, write out your thoughts on paper, walk away, then come back in a short time and read them again. Does your wording sound reasonable and calm? If not, fix it before sending.

Put yourself on a communication curfew. For instance, only allow communication during specified times, like your lunch hour or between 5pm and 7pm. You don’t want to have an exchange with your spouse before bed, since it is likely to be upsetting and disturb your sleep. Block your spouse’s phone number for certain hours of the day to avoid distractions or the temptation to respond.

Your spouse might actually be trying to intentionally push your buttons to get you to show irrational behavior. Don’t fall for it. Your own legal team could then use your spouse’s behavior to your advantage, especially if you show restraint.

Create a support team to help you through the roughest part of the divorce process. Consider keeping a journal or seeking counseling to help you work through your emotions and maintain a healthy mental attitude through it all.

Your lawyer’s role in communication

Leave the majority of the communication with your spouse to your legal team, who will communicate through your spouse’s legal team. This is particularly important in a high-conflict divorce. Use your lawyer as a buffer to prevent emotional escalation and maintain professionalism.

If you do have to interact with your future ex, or if your spouse reaches out to you, keep your lawyer informed, especially if the communication has been uncomfortable or negative. Your legal team will know how to handle it and will advise you of the best way to respond, or not respond, to benefit your case.

Seek expert legal support

Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C., advocates for clients throughout the divorce process, even when emotions run high, and has the expertise to guide you through the process, resulting in a successful settlement or court judgment. Request a confidential consultation today by calling (866) 349-4721.