Picking Your Battles
In any Bucks County divorce, it is critical to prioritize your goals. What parts of your life (time, money, location) are important to you, and where are you willing to negotiate?
In a high-conflict divorce, you may be in danger of losing more than you win, depending on how you behave and what demands you make. To increase the chances of a more favorable settlement or final judgment from the court, it is critical that you clarify your priorities to us and then let us do the work.
Fight or flight in a divorce
When presenting your position in court, which includes your demands regarding division of assets, custody, and support, it is typical to ask for more than you expect to receive. While there should be items with which you are willing to negotiate, negotiation can sometimes feel like “giving in,” especially if your marriage has been contentious.
You must know when to stand and fight and when to walk away, even when it feels unjust. Keep in mind that the more often you and your spouse lock horns, the longer you remain married. Until an agreement is made and signed by the presiding judge, your lives are legally and financially entwined. And the longer the divorce battle goes on, the more money it costs, which can leave you in a very weak position to start your life over after the divorce.
Is that lamp or that 20-year-old car really that important to you, or are you just trying to make a point? Forget about “making points” or trying to make your spouse suffer. Those behaviors look very bad to the judge. Keep in mind that if you two can’t come to a settlement outside of court, the judge will make the final decisions, and you will likely not be happy with them.
So how are you to know what is worth fighting for?
Deciding your priorities
You don’t want to spend your time, money, and emotional energy on things that do not matter. You also don’t want the judge to think you are fighting over nothing. Save your energy and points (so to speak) for things that are really important to you.
Create a very short list of non-negotiables, a slightly longer list of items you really want but could possibly negotiate, and a longer list of negotiables. You should also have a fairly good idea of what your spouse would likely put in each of those categories.
In your short list of non-negotiables, put “be divorced” at the top. This will help you remember that your number one priority is to start your life over again on your own terms. If you have children, their safety and well-being should be number two. This includes protecting them from parental conflict. Your third priority should be financially providing for your own future. These are your top priorities, which will help guide all your other decisions.
Anything else that is critically necessary for these top priorities should be in the non-negotiable category, although it may be possible to negotiate the details. For instance, it may be non-negotiable that the children stay in the same school district and near their friends, but you may be willing to discuss selling the house and buying something smaller close by.
Working with your attorney
Review your list with your attorney. When you work with the attorneys at Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C., your priorities will guide us as we advocate on your behalf and win for you the best possible settlement or final judgment. Our driving force is to ensure that our clients come out on the other side of the divorce process ready to successfully start their lives over and thrive. For a PA or NJ divorce, request a confidential consultation today by calling (866) 349-4721.
