Is Your Ex Sabotaging Your Summer Plans?

Depending on your custody arrangement, summer can be a time for your children to spend more time with each of their parents. It can be difficult to juggle vacation plans and visitation for two different households; occasional confusion may arise and compromise is necessary. But when your ex is consistently failing to follow through or seems to be intentionally sabotaging your summer plans, you need to take action, for your sake and your children’s.

 

Keep records of all communication

Keep all interaction with your ex civil. This is very important, not only because it may bring about the desired results, but because if you need to file a motion, the court’s judgment will be influenced by which is the more reasonable, mature parent. You want to be that parent.

 

If possible, do all communication about summer arrangements with a paper trail. Use email or a parenting portal that is admissible in court and tracks when parents receive messages, so your ex cannot argue that he or she never received your message.

 

Track all phone conversations, record if possible (and let your ex know you’re recording), and keep a detailed log.

 

Try to keep your communications positive. When you feel you cannot respond respectfully or calmly, wait until you’ve calmed down and consult with your custody attorney about the best way to respond. When necessary, let your attorney handle negative communications, which he or she can do dispassionately.

 

Remind your ex of the terms of divorce and custody agreements

In writing, remind your ex of the divorce agreement and/or custody agreement. If the agreements are clearly being violated, you have good standing to demand they be followed, and you are not required to give in to what your ex wants.

 

Create clear boundaries

If your ex isn’t breaking any agreements but is just being unreasonable – repeatedly making changes at the last minute, calling at odd hours, or blaming you for plans falling through – keep documentation, but also protect yourself and your children. Create clear boundaries – in writing – for when you will accept calls and/or how much notice you need for schedule changes.

 

These are reasonable requests. If your ex will not follow them, hold firm. Do not answer the phone or read emails outside the time stated, and do not accept last minute changes. Obviously, if your ex was supposed to pick your children up from summer camp and suddenly can’t, you must do so, but do not set yourself up for another sabotage. If he or she will not abide by these simple guidelines, it may be time to file a complaint with the court.

 

Avoid future summer conflicts

If you have kept a clear record of ex-spouse sabotage or lack of cooperation in co-parenting responsibilities, petition the court for changes in the custody agreement that will prevent another summer of frustration. Consider requesting that you both attend co-parenting counseling. You do not want a battle over your children for the next however-many summers. It’s not good for you or your children.

 

Contact us here at Ulmer Attorneys at Law, experts in Pennsylvania divorce and custody law and mediation, to find out how we can help you.


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Divorce and the Stay-at-Home Mom: 7 Immediate Must-Dos

If you’re facing divorce after you dedicated years to staying home and raising your children, you need to act quickly to protect yourself and your children. Follow these important steps:

 

1. Find an expert in Family Law and Mediation who can help you protect your financial future as well as negotiate arrangements that will be best for the children. You don’t know which direction your divorce will take. You may be able to settle amicably and mediate child support and visitation that’s agreeable to both of you… and you may not. You need a lawyer who is committed to settling out of court if possible but is capable of winning in court if necessary.

 

2. Make copies of all important financial documents – tax forms, bank statements, bills. Your lawyer will need these to make sure you get a fair division of assets as well as sufficient child support and spousal support.

 

3. Create a list of tangible assets that are important to you for the settlement. Consider, too, the value of your house and the expense of maintaining it (including taxes). For many people, downsizing is the best option – it frees up cash, decreases expenses, and helps you start over again without painful memories. But every situation is different. Discuss with your lawyer and a divorce financial analyst.

 

4. Protect current assets and create a personal bank account. Talk to your lawyer about freezing assets in a joint account to prevent your husband from withdrawing everything and leaving you penniless. Also discuss how you can create a stash of cash in your own name to hold you over until the divorce is settled.

 

5. Consider getting a job. This is tricky for the stay-at-home mom, because if your husband is currently out of work or quit his job and you take a minimum-wage job to keep the roof over your head, you could be considered the breadwinner. But if your husband is still gainfully employed, a part-time job may give you the funds you need until settlement.

 

6. Consider if/when you will go back to work after the divorce and what you need to do to prepare. If your divorce has to go to court, the judge will consider the age and health of your children, the years of marriage, and your skills to determine if you should be expected to return to work and when. Prepare now for that likelihood by looking at online courses you could take to brush up on your skills and make you more marketable.

 

7. Have someone to talk to. This is a very stressful time, but with help, you can do it. Your lawyer will work to give you the best settlement you can get, but he or she is not a therapist. You may need a professional counselor or a support group who will give you the strength and support you need to get you to the other side. Consider a counselor for your children as well.

 

There are other things you need to do, but these are the most immediate. If you’re a stay-at-home mom getting divorced in PA, contact us at The Legal and Mediation Services of Karen Ann Ulmer, Attorneys at Law to see how we can guide you through these and other important steps you need to take to protect yourself and your children.


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The First Things to Do If Your Husband Leaves You

The very first thing to do if your husband leaves you is to find an expert Montgomery or Bucks County divorce lawyer. You’re in a very vulnerable position, especially if your husband has been the primary breadwinner and you have children at home. You need a lawyer who knows the law and knows how to fight for you.

 

While you’re finding your lawyer, there are a few more “first things” you need to do immediately to protect yourself and your children.

 

Protect your finances:

  • Change passwords, withdraw some cash, and contact the bank and other financial institutions. Your lawyer may file a temporary restraining order to prevent your husband from being able to withdraw funds.
  • Close joint credit cards and other joint accounts (i.e., PayPal, amazon, Netflix, Facebook) and open them in your own name only.
  •  Protect valuable assets: transfer them if possible into a protected location, whether that’s a friend’s house or a safety deposit box.
  • Log all communications, including phone calls, with him and what the conversation was about. Check with your lawyer about whether or not you can record them and how to do so legally.  

Save important documents:

  • Save all written communications: emails, letters, scraps of paper he wrote notes on, receipts. Anything could be valuable. Print out anything on the computer including emails so you also have a hard copy.
  • Print out any helpful information on social media accounts: pictures, posts, anything that will help your case.
  • Save all bills, bank statements, credit card statements, tax returns.
  • Save photos that can support your position and help you in court.

Tell the people who need to know:

  • Financial institutions and accountants – they may be able to advise you on what to do to protect your assets.
  • Close friends and relatives as well as your children’s school and doctors –  to avoid disclosure of information to your husband without your knowledge or consent.

Many of these protective measures can be more thoroughly and effectively implemented under the guidance and advice of a seasoned divorce lawyer. The associates at Ulmer are experts in divorce and mediation. Contact us to find out how we can help you.

 

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Divorcing doesn’t have to ruin the family business in Pennsylvania

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Small businesses are the heart and soul of the economy in Bucks County and throughout the rest of the country. According to the Small Business Administration, approximately 90 percent of all of the businesses in the U.S. are family owned and run. Running a small family business comes with several advantages, like more convenience, flexibility and lower employment costs. However, things can quickly get complicated when the owners of the business decide to separate and divorce.

It all starts with the prenuptial agreement

Before a couple even says “I do,” they should already be planning for their financial future with a prenuptial agreement. This document acts as an insurance policy in case divorce ever becomes part of the equation. One of the mistakes that small business owners often make is not drafting this important document until it’s too late since they previously believed that divorce would never become an option. However, according to Forbes, over 50 percent of married couples in the U.S. eventually divorce so obtaining a prenuptial agreement should be a priority for all married couples, and those that own a business together in particular.

This agreement should be in writing, provide a full disclosure of the business’ assets and liabilities, be executed by both parties and without coercion from one side and documented in a recordable format.

Making it work after the divorce is finalized

Just because a marriage is ending doesn’t mean that the business has to go down along with it. Divorced couples can still stay in business together and be successful if:

  • They are rational and consider compromise.
  • They hire an independent business appraiser as part of the divorce proceedings.
  • They consider how their roles will shift in the workplace after they are divorced.
  • The business stays relatively the same and doesn’t undergo any big changes until after the divorce is finalized.

Although it can be a daunting task to split with a partner and still maintain a business, it can be done with a little work and a lot of communication. For example, according to Businessweek, a divorced couple that owns a bakery in the Boston area worth $2.5 million has been in business together for over 35 years. The couple, who were married briefly from 1979 to 1981, found that although their marriage didn’t work they were able to keep their business going out of admiration for the each other’s business skills.

If you and your spouse are considering divorce and are concerned about the future of your family business, contact an attorney in your area that can work through these concerns and ensure that you and your spouse are able to transition smoothly from being marital partners to business partners. You should also realize that a business has value and a competent attorney can assist in ensuring that both partners get value for the efforts they contributed to the business and find ways to separate while preserving the business.

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Handling financial affairs during a Pennsylvania gray divorce

Older couples often have valuable assets, complex property and little time to change retirement plans, making fair settlements crucial in gray divorces.

The phenomenon of “gray divorce,” or divorce after age 50, has become increasingly common in the last decade. The proportion of people divorcing after 50 increased from 10 percent to 28 percent from 1990 to 2010, according to the New York Times. Today, the number of divorced people older than 50 has outstripped the number of widowed people in the same age group.

There is no denying that divorce is a complicated process at any age. However, people preparing to divorce after age 50 in Langhorne, Pennsylvania, should expect to navigate some especially challenging financial issues.

DIVIDING COMPLEX ASSETS

One issue older couples often face is the division of complex assets, according to Forbes. Older individuals have had more time to accumulate personal assets, and couples in longer-lived marriages may have built up substantial marital assets, such as homes, retirement accounts and other savings. Inheritances from parents and other relatives can complicate matters as well, as the distinction between marital and separate property can be difficult to define.

Spouses can work together to decide how assets will be divided, but usually, spouses can reach a fairer division by seeking legal guidance, since many people do not understand their rights during property division. For instance, many individuals do not realize they may be entitled to part of a spouse’s retirement accounts, including 401(k)s, pension plans or IRAs, if contributions were made to those accounts during the marriage.

Many assets can be divided by agreement or court order, but some assets cannot be distributed this way. For example, retirement plans can only be divided with a Qualified Domestic Relations Order. It is beneficial for older couples to seek legal help when they divorce, to ensure that a fair settlement is awarded and that all court orders and documents are in order. Otherwise, spouses run the risk of losing financial solvency following the separation.

PLANNING FOR RETIREMENT

Another significant issue with divorcing later in life is that both spouses are near retirement, leaving little time to rebuild savings. Typically, even people who were on track to enjoy a comfortable retirement together may not have enough saved to fund two retirements. Separate retirements can cost 30 to 50 percent more than retiring as a couple would, according to USA Today.

Couples should remember that expenses associated with everything from housing to travel to in-home assistance double after a divorce. In light of these increases, many couples ultimately must choose between three options:

  • Staying in the workforce and postponing retirement.
  • Re-entering the workforce.
  • Retiring on track, but with significantly different expectations.

Individuals facing these issues can benefit from hiring a financial advisor before the divorce is complete, so they can realistically evaluate what they will need to survive independently. The sooner spouses evaluate their financial needs, the better they will be able to communicate those needs during mediation or court proceedings.

Anyone preparing for divorce later in life should strongly consider meeting with an attorney. An attorney can advise an individual on legal rights and help him or her reach a settlement that will reduce the financial impact of the divorce.

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Can custodial parents in Pennsylvania move across state lines?

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How to Explain Divorce to Your Children

Divorce impacts children of different ages very differently, and the impact can be ongoing. You’ll need to be prepared for challenges, but by starting right, you can minimize the impact and speed healthy adjustment.

Both parents should tell the children together, if at all possible, and present a unified front. Plan together how you will tell the children about your divorce, what you will say, and just as importantly, what you will not say. Children of different ages can handle different information, so if you have a wide range of ages, keep it simple when telling them together and provide more details to the older ones later, or tell the older children separately so they have more time to ask questions and discuss.

Focus on what does not change: that you are still their parents, that you will both continue to love them unconditionally, and that you want to create a healthy and happy environment for them. Don’t go into details beyond their ability to understand, and don’t place blame on one spouse or the other – and don’t let them blame themselves.

With this general framework in mind, consider the needs of each child’s age-group:

Preschool/Toddlers: This age is self-focused, concrete, dependent, unable to process emotions; they need stability, consistency, and routine.

With this age-group, actions speak louder than words. They need constant reassurance, nurturing, and consistency in routine in order to feel stable and emotionally healthy. Keep your explanations short and concrete: “I’ll be moving to a different house, but I’m still your Daddy and I love you.” The mother would add, “I’ll be taking care of you and you’ll keep living here, but sometimes you’ll visit at Daddy’s house and you’ll see Daddy a lot.” Younger children will need frequent reminders and constant reassurance.

Elementary school age (6 – 12 year olds): This age wants to make sense of the situation, find reasons. Those reasons may be illogical or petty (they may remember a small incident and think that caused the divorce) or they may blame themselves. They are still mostly concrete and dependent and will want to know how it will affect their lives: school, activities, friends.

Be sure to provide some age-appropriate explanations. They will ask many questions, and here’s where your preparation will come in handy. Be prepared with answers they can understand that do not cast blame on the other parent. Try to remain calm. Emphasize it’s not their fault and that it’s okay and right to be sad, angry, confused. Keep open communication with them and watch for mood or behavior changes that can alert you to distress so you can intervene and help them cope.

Teenagers: Teens are more independent, have more external relationships to turn to, and can understand deeper causes, but still need adults to be adults so they can still be kids.

Discuss the divorce with your teens in more detail so they can understand how you’ve tried to save your marriage and why it didn’t work. Try to do so without harming the respect they have for the other parent (unless the cause of divorce is obvious, like substance abuse, adultery, or abandonment). Teens are looking to their parents as examples of adulthood. This could also mean learning from mistakes, so being honest with them about mistakes and how you could have done things differently might actually help them grow. But they still need you to be a parent and not a buddy. They may turn to peers, teachers, and/or coaches for support, but make sure they are receiving this support from positive influences and not turning to the wrong crowd of kids to cope. Consider counseling if you see personality shifts.

For any age group, it’s critical to keep the communication open. Talking to your children about your divorce consists of many small conversations, not one big one. Even if you feel they are trying to push you away or distance themselves, keep trying. They may just be testing you to see if you really love them. Show them by your words and your actions that your love for them will not change, even if other things do.

Contact us at Ulmer Law to see how we can help you through your divorce.

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Pennsylvania divorce: Helping the kids adjust to the changes

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Parents cannot eradicate the upheaval and upset their divorce may cause their kids, but there are things they can do to help them cope.

The Pennsylvania Department of Health reports that 33,749 couples across the state got divorced or had their marriages annulled in 2016 alone. While the breakup of a marriage may be trying for the adults involved, divorce may be particularly upsetting for the children. Although parents cannot completely alleviate the upset that the end of their marriage may cause their children, there are things they can do to help them adjust to this type of major life change.

Allow children their reactions

Not all children react in the same way or in the same timeframe to the news that their parents are getting divorced. Some may initially express feelings of anger or sadness, while others may seem ambivalent and instead only show concern for how the split will affect their day-to-day lives. This may include asking who they will live with, whether they will have to change schools and how the parenting-time schedule will work. It is important that parents reassure their kids that their feelings are normal, and encourage them to share their emotions as openly as possible.

Consistency, consistency, consistency

Their parents’ marriage coming to an end may make some children feel as though their worlds have been turned upside down. While they may not be aware of it themselves, this may cause them to crave and need structure even more than normal. As such, it is suggested that parents try to maintain their children’s routines as much as possible during and after a divorce. Additionally, they should attempt to keep the same rules in both parents’ homes and stick to them. Relaxing the rules or completely altering kids’ schedules may lead to insecurities, and inhibit, rather than support, their coping and adjustment to the changes.

Keep the kids out of adult matters

As parents work through the issues that must be settled during a divorce, it may lead to adult discussions or arguments. While this is to be expected, it may cause problems for children’s adjustment if it takes place in front of them. Thus, parents are advised to talk about difficult matters, like child support or alimony, over the phone or when their kids are not around. Further, it is recommended that people refrain from talking badly about their exes in front of their children, asking their kids for information about their other parents or otherwise using their children against their former spouses.

Ask for help

Given time and the support they need, many children rebound from their parents’ divorce and move forward. In some cases, however, kids may need additional help dealing with their feelings and the changes. Should children show signs of distress or seem to otherwise be struggling to cope, parents may consider using the services of a professional, such as their kids’ pediatrician or a counselor. It may also be helpful for people to clue their children’s teachers in to what is going on so that they can aid in monitoring how they are adjusting.

Without contention or complications, Pennsylvania divorces may be challenging enough for families to get through and move on from. However, when the process is drawn out, it may be even more traumatizing for those involved and cause lasting fractures within the family. Therefore, those who are considering a divorce or whose spouses have already filed may find it of benefit to consult with an attorney. A lawyer may not only explain their options and the legal process, but also aid them in negotiating and resolving their cases.

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The differences between separate and marital property

When going through a divorce, people should be aware of the differences between marital and separate property.

Filing for divorce in Pennsylvania or anywhere across the country for that matter is not always a simple process. There are many issues that must be negotiated before the final divorce settlement is created and approved. One of the most difficult tasks for people to accomplish is that of dividing the marital property. Determining who is entitled to what after years of marriage can be hard, as there may be strong emotional ties to certain items. It is important for people who are entering into the divorce process to understand the differences between marital and separate property so that they are more likely to receive everything they are entitled to in the settlement.

A look at marital property

In addition to the family home, vehicles, furniture and other basic items, marital property includes a wide- range of items, including any assets and property that were amassed throughout the marriage. Marital property also includes, but is not limited to the following:

· Lottery tickets winnings and income tax refunds.

· Memberships to exclusive country clubs and golf courses.

· Collections, such as antiques, cars, coins, stamps, art and books.

· Intellectual property, such as trademarks, copyrights, patents and royalties.

· Term life insurance

· Gifts given to one another during the marriage.

Furthermore, if one spouse lent money to someone during the marriage, that money is subject to division once it is paid back.

Not everything is marital

In some cases, people may have separate property, which is not eligible for division in a divorce settlement. Separate property includes items that were owned by either party prior to becoming married, such as real estate or assets. Any inheritance money, gifts given by a third-party or personal injury compensation that was awarded to either party before, during or after the marriage is also considered separate property.

There are some instances where marital property may be divided between a couple. For example, if the title of a property was in the original owner’s name, but he or she had it revised to include the other spouse’s name, it is no longer considered separate property. Similarly, if separate money belonging to one spouse is deposited into a joint bank account with the other spouse’s name attached, that money may become marital and eligible for division.

Upholding your rights

Going through the divorce process can be extremely emotional, making it difficult to make decisions that will affect your future. An attorney may be helpful in answering your questions, giving you essential information and assisting you throughout the divorce process.

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Warning Signs of Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is defined as the programming of a child by one parent, consciously or unconsciously, to damage or destroy the child’s relationship with the other parent. It is most commonly found in high-conflict divorces and often directed at the non-custodial parent, but this is certainly not always the case. Sometimes the custodial parent is the target, and sometimes it even happens in intact families.

 

The manipulating parent may have difficulty separating from the pain of the divorce and focusing on the needs of the child, or the parent may have a personality disorder like narcissism. We recently wrote a post about divorcing a narcissist that may be helpful in recognizing this personality.

 

Even good parents can carry a lot of anger and sometimes allow negative comments about the other parent to slip out, but most good parents recognize that children will grow best if they maintain healthy relationships with both parents. It generally takes a very bad situation or a parent with a personality disorder to trigger alienating efforts.

However, parental alienation in some form is common: a 2010 study found it present in 11-15% of divorce cases. Here are some warning signs for a targeted parent to watch for:

 

  • Alienating parent badmouths the targeted parent in front of the child
  • Custodial parent blocks court-ordered visitation with various excuses
  • Child knows details of the divorce
  • Child expresses that the divorce is the targeted parent’s fault
  • Child asks targeted parent not to attend events like sports games or parent-teacher night
  • Child becomes much more belligerent, defiant, or combative
  • Child is derogatory toward targeted parent’s gifts or efforts, expressing a preference for the alienating parent’s gifts or efforts
  • Child repeats alienating parent’s opinions as if they are now his or her own
  • Child takes responsibility for the alienated feelings, as if it was his or her idea

Parental alienation is growing in recognition, and efforts are being made to address it in court. Some argue that it is a form of child abuse, as the child is being emotionally manipulated and fed false beliefs. Various psychological consequences are being recognized in children who have been victims of manipulation, so it’s important to address this issue early.

 

If you think you may be dealing with a situation of alienation, please reach out to us. We can help you evaluate the situation, document your evidence, and take important corrective steps.


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