How To Tell Your Children About Your Divorce

Making the decision to your divorce can be difficult. If you have children, the thought of telling them about the split may be overwhelming. While it can be a very difficult conversation to have with your children, a bit of planning and commitment to compassion will make it easier on everyone.

Have a plan to tell them. You and your spouse are ending your marriage and so will begin your relationship as co-parents. While you may be battling each other on several fronts make the commitment to show your children peace. Bring the children together as a family, and explain the situation and plan. Make sure they are comfortable and in a safe place and do not have plans for that day. They may have a variety of emotions to deal with and will not want to cancel plans or be forced out of the house.

Accept the emotions and questions as they are presented to you and do not tell your children how they should react. They may cry, yell at you, sit stunned or actually say “this is better since you fight all the time.” Your kids will have many questions and may even seem a bit self-centered. Remember, children want to feel secure about where they are going to be living and when they are going to see you. More than likely they have friends who have divorced parents and see the switching of homes and sharing of holidays. Your kids are going to want to know what the plan is for them.

Reassure your children that it was not their fault and that you still love them. Often times children feel that if they behaved better, did not fight with their siblings, or earned better grades their parents would be happier and staying together. It is critical that they hear from you it is not their fault and that adult reasons are the cause for your split.

During the months while you are getting divorced you have a beautiful opportunity to show your children peace. Yes, there may be many moving parts including moving to two new homes. If you give them a stable environment and always come from a place of love while in their presence they will adjust a little easier to all the changes.

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Dividing Property in Divorce

Equitable distribution is the term used in Pennsylvania referring to division of marital property at the time of divorce. Marital property will consist of nearly everything acquired in either party’s name from the date of marriage through to the date of separation. It will also include pre-marital assets that have increased in value during the marriage. Equitable distribution does not necessarily mean a 50/50 split of all marital property. Instead, the statute on equitable distribution sets out 13 factors to be considered. Those factors are listed in 23 Pa C.S. 3502. While the length of marriage is a factor in equitable distribution, it does not mean that assets won’t be split at all in shorter marriages.

If the parties have to go to court for equitable distribution, they will be required to submit a statement beforehand laying out what they allege is the marital property at issue, how the factors listed affect their case, and what they are ultimately seeking as an “equitable” distribution. It is important to have knowledge of all the marital assets and debts at issue. Additionally, parties should have documentation to prove the value of any assets and debts to be addressed. Key dates for valuation may include date of marriage, date of separation and final hearing date. Items acquired after the date of separation but prior to the final divorce decree should also usually be excluded.

Click here to read more about division of property.

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Divorce vs. Mediation

Parties often ask what is the best way to proceed when initially contemplating separation and/or divorce. Generally speaking, parties are encouraged to try to reach an agreement to resolve whatever issues have arisen in any legal matter. In family law, agreements are especially encouraged due to the personal nature of the issues at hand along with the belief that it is better for the parties to draft their own agreement rather than allow a stranger to dictate their family dynamics going forward. Additionally, litigation or time spent in court is often the most expensive aspect of a divorce matter.

Both mediators and divorce attorneys can help you negotiate or draft a settlement agreement. The key difference is a mediator is an impartial third party where as an attorney is representing one party’s interest. This is not to say a divorce cannot be resolved with only one attorney; simply that the attorney cannot give advice to both parties since it would be a conflict of interest. Instead, the attorney should make it clear to the unrepresented party their role in the process and the limitations on communication between the attorney and the unrepresented party. Further, it is possible for both parties to have independent counsel and still reach a settlement agreement. If mediation is successful, an attorney may still be needed to file and process the divorce matter.

Click here to read more about options for mediation.

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Social Media Use During a Divorce

In a divorce, social media activity can be used as evidence which may affect alimony, property division and child custody. Accordingly, anyone involved in these family law proceedings should be cautioned about use of social media. As many people know, once something is posted online, it can never truly be deleted. Social media posts are being used more and more in courtrooms during divorce proceedings.

In a divorce, a post on social media may be used to undermine a party’s truthfulness or to demonstrate that one party was having an affair prior to the date of separation. With regard to property division, evidence from social media could show that a party is hiding either marital or separate assets. Sometimes, even if the social media cannot be directly used to show concealment of assets, it can provide a basis for more thorough discovery.

In a custody dispute, social media posts can be used against a party to show that the party is not fit to have custody of the child. One of the factors that Pennsylvania Courts look at when determining whether a parent should receive custody is a history of drug or alcohol abuse. If a social media post were to reference irresponsible activities such as drug use, this evidence can be used against the party. Some other factors include willingness of the parties to cooperate with one another and whether the parent would encourage continuing contact between the child and the other parent. Disparaging posts by one parent against the other parent on social media can be used to infer an unwillingness to cooperate and a tendency to alienate.

Additionally, in support matters, social media posts alluding to recent vacations, expensive purchases, or even job promotions can undermine that party’s argument that he or she cannot afford support payments.

It is a good idea not to post on social media regarding the other party, vacationing, partying, spending, or anything of the like when you are involved in a divorce, support, or custody proceeding. Even an innocent post may be twisted and used against you. Use common sense if you do post to social media during legal proceedings, knowing that your posts may appear in the courtroom.

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Make Time with Your Children Special

For years we have heard about the importance of spending “quality time” with our children. When you are divorced and following a custody schedule (sometimes called a parenting time schedule) you may feel you have to create special moments in every day you have your kids. Settinging the expectations of constant magical moments when your children are in your care is unrealistic. It is important to establish routines, new traditions, and allow your children to grow up in a supportive environment.

Children love routines. Make sure you run your home to ensure they can settle into a schedule as they arrive. This includes where they put their bookbag, what time dinner is served, and when they should make their lunch. The familiarity when they are with you will be a comfort to them and allow them to ease into your home when they spend time with you.

Traditions are important for children so bring forward into your post-divorce life a few from the past and also create some new special memories. This may include establishing Sunday dinner when everyone gathers to help cook, an annual ski trip, visiting the Shady Brook Farms light display, or watching Fourth of July fireworks together. These traditions do not need to be elaborate or expensive. In fact, sometimes the sillier and simpler the better remembered.

As your children age they will start to establish their own lives with friends, dating, and sports schedules. There will be times when you feel you barely see them as they have another game, a date, or want to sleep over at a friend’s house. This will take them away from you during “your parenting time” and you may feel it is unfair since you already have limited time with them. However, realizing that this is a natural part of growing up and not making them feel guilty is imperative to their emotional well-being. Support them and enjoy the time when they are with you. Establish those traditions, like family dinners that they will cherish and soon enough you will find that they are older and actually want to spend time with you again.

There are many adjustments when you divorce. Spending less time with your children is a hard one that takes some to settle into. However, if you are steadfast in providing a loving home and committed to making memories you will undoubtedly enjoy your time with your children and watching them grow.

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International Custody Cases

International custody cases raise issues of both jurisdiction as well as subsequent enforcement. For cases beginning in the U.S., the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA) likely applies. The UCCJEA gives jurisdiction for a custody matter to the home county of the child. This would be the county where the child has resided for six (6) months prior to the commencement of the custody action. If jurisdiction is not clear based on an analysis of the home state, the courts should then look to see where there are significant connections and substantial evidence relevant to the custody action. Significant connections is more than just mere presence in any state. Once a court obtains jurisdiction under one of guidelines above, that court continues to have exclusive jurisdiction until it is established that another court has become more suitable for jurisdiction. Accordingly, any modifications of custody must go through the court that made the initial or prior determination.

Enforcement of a custody order is addressed by the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction. Signatories to the Hague Convention are required to immediately return children if taken or retained in violation of a custody order. All countries who are parties to the Hague Convention must establish a “Central Authority,” an office responsible for dealing with Hague Convention violations. For children removed from the United States, a petition for return should be filed through the U.S. State Department, Office of Children’s Issues. From there, the petition is transmitted to the Central Authority for the other country involved and ultimately adjudicated there. It is important to begin the process as soon as a violation occurs for the best likelihood of having the child returned.

Click here to read more about custody matters.

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When You Do Not Want a Divorce (and Your Spouse Does)

As a Bucks County Divorce attorney I have worked with many clients who are facing a divorce they do not want. They may still be in love and want to work on the marriage. At the very least they want to hold the family together for the sake of the children. However, when the other spouse is adamant, they do come to realize there is little they can do. Many ignore the divorce papers they were serviced. This can be a dangerous mistake to make. It is critical to take a few necessary steps to protect yourself personally, legally, and financially.

First and foremost, if your spouse has started the legal process it is imperative that you take action. There are important timelines to follow including paperwork that must be filed with the court and the gathering of documents in a timely manner. Stalling the process could cause significant problems for you. We should meet to review what has been done, the information you have, and the important pieces you need to put in place.

Next, start collecting documents. No matter where you are in the process or how serious your spouse may be about moving forward, it is time to get educated in the finances of your household. Make a list of all financial accounts you have including passwords to accounts. You will need your original marriage certificate, any financial documents from the last three months, the deed to your home, and insurance information.

And of course, as this is going on you need to take care of yourself. Putting a support system in place will be critical as you deal with the end of your marriage, helping your children into their new lives, and moving forward. This can include confiding in close friends and family (hopefully one who has been through a divorce), and possibly spending time with a therapist to ensure you remain emotionally strong. If your spouse is willing you could see a couples counselor or the head of your religious organization.

When one spouse starts discussing divorce it can be a shock to your system. Take the legal process seriously even if you want to work to stay together. Here at our office in Lanhorne, PA I have worked with clients who have eventually reconciled and recommit to build a stronger marriage. We have also helped those who struggle with the divorce to find a happier life waiting for them in the future.

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Keeping the House in a Divorce

If you want to keep the house in a divorce, you may wonder what they will entail. If the mortgage is in joint names or in your spouse’s name, you are definitely going to need to refinance the mortgage into your own name at the time you get divorced, unless your spouse is nice and agrees to stay on the mortgage longer. If there is equity in the home, and not enough other assets to compensate your spouse in other ways, there is a good chance you are also going to need to come up with additional money as part of the refinance in order to buy your spouse out. The equity will be the value of the home at the time of the distribution less all the debt on the home (mortgage, home equity lien, etc.). The amount you will have to pay your spouse will depend on the percentage split of the assets as well where you live. In some counties they will deduct the cost of sale even though you are not selling the home. In others, they do not. If you need to time to be able to refinance, in some cases, it is recommended that you wait the two year period that you can delay a divorce by not consenting. During that time, as long as the mortgage is being paid you can remain the house while you work to build your credit or income so that you can refinance. If you are interested in keeping the house, you will want to check your credit as soon as you separate and talk to a mortgage broker or lender to see what things you will need to do in order to qualify for a loan and then set a plan to meet those steps. You also want to make sure you create a budget to make sure that you really can afford the home. You will need to project your income, the support you receive and the costs of the home, not just the mortgage but all the maintenance and make a decision based on all those factors.

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Dying without a will in Pennsylvania

When you die without a will, your state’s intestacy statute dictates how your estate is distributed. For the most part, only assets in your own name are transferred through the probate process. For example, life insurance proceeds or retirement accounts with beneficiaries pass directly to the designated beneficiaries. Also, real estate owned as joint tenancy with right of survivorship or tenancy by the entirety passes directly to the survivor(s).

In Pennsylvania, assets are distributed as follows:

If you leave a spouse and children (and all children are also children from your spouse):

Spouse gets $30,000 plus ½ of the remainder, the children get the remainder.

If you leave a spouse and children (and at least one child is from a different parent):

Spouse gets ½ of the estate and the children share the remaining ½.

If you leave a spouse and no children, but your parents are still alive:

Spouse gets $30,000 plus ½ of the remainder, your parent(s) get what’s left.

If you leave a spouse and no children or parents:

Spouse inherits everything.

If you leave children, and no spouse:

Children inherit everything.

If you leave parents, but no spouse or children,

Parents inherit everything.

If no parents, spouse, or children survive you:

Siblings inherit everything.

If you have no parents, spouse, children, or siblings, then your estate goes to grandparents, aunts & uncles, and cousins. If this is the case, it is best to speak with an experienced attorney as it can get complicated.

If you have no living relatives, then the estate eventually goes to the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

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Alimony in a Divorce

If you expect to receive alimony in a divorce, you will want to make sure that any agreement specifies the terms on which it is modifiable. Alimony is normally modifiable in amount provided you state that in your agreement, but not modifiable in duration. In Pennsylvania, however, if your spouse dies or you remarry or you live with another person unrelated of the opposite sex, alimony terminates at that time, unless you specify otherwise in an agreement. Since alimony does terminate in death, it is important to consider life insurance in your divorce plan or agreement. Many agreements will provide that until your alimony terminates that it is secured by a life insurance policy equal to or more than the remaining amount of money that you anticipate that you will receive over the course of the alimony term. In some instances, you may want to consider a buyout of alimony if you are paying alimony. This means that instead of making monthly payments on alimony, you lump sum the payment upfront and usually ask for a reduced amount since the money is being paid immediately. In this case, however, you may lose the deduction on your tax return depending on how the agreement is drafted since normally alimony is deductable by the payor and taxable to the payee. In addition, you will not be entitled to any of the payment back should your spouse remarry or cohabitate, but you will not be subject to an increase if your income goes up. There are many options to consider when paying or receiving alimony that should be considered in any divorce settlement. You should consult both an attorney and a certified public accountant.

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