Source: Family Advocate, Vol. 33
Over the past couple of decades, we have become increasingly aware that children benefit from having both parents involved in their lives.
A parent who has joint or sole custody of a child may be able to move after attaining permission from the other parent or a judge. Learn more about parental relocation approval
Parents cannot eradicate the upheaval and upset their divorce may cause their kids, but there are things they can do to help them cope.
The Pennsylvania Department of Health reports that 33,749 couples across the state got divorced or had their marriages annulled in 2016 alone. While the breakup of a marriage may be trying for the adults involved, divorce may be particularly upsetting for the children. Although parents cannot completely alleviate the upset that the end of their marriage may cause their children, there are things they can do to help them adjust to this type of major life change.
Allow children their reactions
Not all children react in the same way or in the same timeframe to the news that their parents are getting divorced. Some may initially express feelings of anger or sadness, while others may seem ambivalent and instead only show concern for how the split will affect their day-to-day lives. This may include asking who they will live with, whether they will have to change schools and how the parenting-time schedule will work. It is important that parents reassure their kids that their feelings are normal, and encourage them to share their emotions as openly as possible.
Consistency, consistency, consistency
Their parents’ marriage coming to an end may make some children feel as though their worlds have been turned upside down. While they may not be aware of it themselves, this may cause them to crave and need structure even more than normal. As such, it is suggested that parents try to maintain their children’s routines as much as possible during and after a divorce. Additionally, they should attempt to keep the same rules in both parents’ homes and stick to them. Relaxing the rules or completely altering kids’ schedules may lead to insecurities, and inhibit, rather than support, their coping and adjustment to the changes.
Keep the kids out of adult matters
As parents work through the issues that must be settled during a divorce, it may lead to adult discussions or arguments. While this is to be expected, it may cause problems for children’s adjustment if it takes place in front of them. Thus, parents are advised to talk about difficult matters, like child support or alimony, over the phone or when their kids are not around. Further, it is recommended that people refrain from talking badly about their exes in front of their children, asking their kids for information about their other parents or otherwise using their children against their former spouses.
Ask for help
Given time and the support they need, many children rebound from their parents’ divorce and move forward. In some cases, however, kids may need additional help dealing with their feelings and the changes. Should children show signs of distress or seem to otherwise be struggling to cope, parents may consider using the services of a professional, such as their kids’ pediatrician or a counselor. It may also be helpful for people to clue their children’s teachers in to what is going on so that they can aid in monitoring how they are adjusting.
Without contention or complications, Pennsylvania divorces may be challenging enough for families to get through and move on from. However, when the process is drawn out, it may be even more traumatizing for those involved and cause lasting fractures within the family. Therefore, those who are considering a divorce or whose spouses have already filed may find it of benefit to consult with an attorney. A lawyer may not only explain their options and the legal process, but also aid them in negotiating and resolving their cases.
Divorce is hard on everyone, but it can be particularly difficult for the children. Young children especially have a difficult time understanding what is going on during divorce and may even feel as if they did something wrong. It is also hard for parents to get used to being away from their children sometimes. In many cases, there will be times when the children will be spending time, maybe even weeks or months, with the other parent. This is why it is important for parents to understand how custody laws work and what their options are. Generally, Pennsylvania law governs child custody and visitation when Pennsylvania is the child’s home state.
How is custody decided in Pennsylvania?
There are two main types of custody in Pennsylvania. Legal custody refers to the authority to make major decisions for the child including religious, educational and medical decisions. Physical custody refers to where the children will actually live. State law also allows for partial custody, which means the right to have the child reside with the noncustodial parent away from the custodial parent for a specific period of time.
Custody may be shared, meaning that both parents have legal or physical custody of the child. This will allow the child to have continuing contact with both parents. If parents do not have shared custody, the other parent may have visitation rights. If a parent has visitation rights, that parent has the right to visit the child but not necessarily the right to take the child from the control of the custodial parent.
To determine how custody is awarded, the court will look at the best interests of the child. The parents may come to an agreement themselves, but the court will always look at the best interests of the child before approving the agreement. The best interests of the child include such things as the physical and mental fitness of the parents, insofar as they affect the child, the ability to allow the child to continue to maintain a relationship with the other parent’s extended family, the preference of the child if the child is mature enough, opportunities for visitation and whether there is a history of abandonment or domestic violence. The court will look at each family as the individual unit that it is.
Can custody be modified?
Custody orders can be modified, but the court must be presented with evidence as to why the order should be modified. The parent wishing to modify the order must prove to the court why it has to be modified. The court generally favors stability for the child, and the parent must show that there is something in the home environment that negatively affects the child’s wellbeing. There must be a substantial change in circumstances and the best interests of the child that should require a change in custody.
Anyone dealing with child custody issues in Pennsylvania should contact an experienced family law attorney. These issues are hard to deal with on one’s own, and the resolutions of the issues are of utmost importance. An attorney can help parents dealing with child custody matters achieve their goals.
Your children will benefit from a healthy relationship with both their father and their mother after divorce, so to co-parent effectively, remember the three C’s: Cooperation, Communication, and Consistency
Cooperation
Remember, it’s all about what’s best for your children. As adults, you have to put their needs before your own hurts and grudges, however real they may be. As long as one of them is not abusive, your children need to have a healthy relationship with both parents.
You will need to make some important decisions about who will be the parent liaison to doctors, educators, coaches, etc. Will communications from these institutions go to one parent or both? Who will pay for insurance, education, and extra-curricular activities? Will both parents attend school and sport events, parent/teacher meetings, and doctor appointments?
Determine a schedule of custody that takes into consideration school, holidays, and special events. How will the child be transported between homes? What degree of flexibility is there when “life” happens and schedules or plans need to be changed?
Communication
Communication and cooperation work hand in hand. You must have a well-structured communication plan in order to cooperate in the raising of your children. Depending on your relationship, you may have to keep it short and business-like, but you should still be civil. If possible, over time, work towards a friendly relationship, since you’re two people who love the same children and want what’s best for them.
Always share important information, milestones, and pictures with your ex. Some divorced parents find it useful to have a shared online calendar with their children’s schedules, notes from school, and other data loaded, so both parents have access.
If you have concerns about any of your children, it’s very important to communicate this, so you’re both aware and can both work on it. This will not only help with the issue, but will show the children that their parents are united with regard to their well-being, which will have a positive emotional effect on them.
Consistency
This unity should be displayed through consistency in other areas as well. Both homes should have consistent rules of conduct and behavior. It’s likely you will disagree on particulars, but children need stability for their best development.
You may find it easier to agree on certain essentials if each parent is permitted leeway in the specifics. While one parent might say 9:00pm bedtime on weekdays and the other says 10:00pm, the big picture message being communicated is, “You need a good night’s sleep to do well in school.” Chores may differ from house to house, but both parents should teach their children responsibility by giving them chores. Rules about manners, foul language, and other issues of courtesy should be obeyed in both homes.
One last word on attitude
Never complain about the other parent, and as much as possible, help the children respect your co-parent. If he or she has personality flaws, it’s best to let the children discover them on their own – within the realm of safety – to avoid unreasonable fantasies or inaccurate beliefs about the other parent that will make your role more difficult.
Make it clear to your children that the divorce is not their fault. They may need to hear this multiple times, but make sure they feel loved and secure, and they will grow into strong and healthy adults.
While an appeal to a divorce decree must be completed within 30 days, a modification to a divorce agreement can be requested at any time after the divorce. It is not uncommon that, after significant time has passed, circumstances have changed enough to warrant an alteration of the divorce agreement.
If both spouses agree to the changes, the process is fairly simple. The agreement must be in writing and submitted to the court in which the divorce decree was issued. Sometimes there is a hearing to ensure that both parties truly agree, then the judge signs off on the agreement and it becomes a court order. Working together with your lawyer to ensure the divorce agreement is written properly is the easiest and best way to make changes to a divorce agreement.
However, sometimes former spouses cannot agree. In this case, the person who wants the modification must file a motion for modification with the court that issued the divorce and serve it on the other spouse. Getting a modification from a court is not easy because you will have to present proof of significant, long-term, or permanent changes that justify the modification.
Courts rarely modify property or debt distributions in the original divorce agreement, but changes to spousal and child support and changes to custody and visitation are not uncommon. Where children are involved, the person seeking modification must prove that the change is in the best interest of the child.
Reasons for modification of support
A significant change in income is often grounds for modification, whether you are the payer or the receiver. If the payer gets a significantly higher paying position, the receiver may request more spousal or child support. Additionally, if the receiver loses a job, more support could be requested.
Conversely, if the payer loses a job or gets a significantly lower-paying job, the payer can request a decrease in the amount of support paid. This is also true if the payer has more children with a new spouse, demonstrating a need to support other children. One caveat: A parent cannot purposely take a lower-paying job in order to request a change in support. This may be difficult to prove, but if suspected, it could be considered contempt of court.
In the case of child support, the receiver may demonstrate a significant change in the child’s health or condition to warrant an increase in support or the payer may demonstrate that the child now needs less support. In these cases, courts will keep in mind the best interests of the child.
Reasons for modification of custody or visitation
A change in the condition of parents or children can justify a request for modification.
If one parent was ill-fit for joint or sole custody at the time of the divorce and can now prove he or she is fit, a case for modification may be made. However, a formerly unfit parent cannot demand sole custody if the parent who currently has sole custody is still a fit parent.
If a parent who has sole or joint custody becomes unfit, or if any child abuse or substance abuse can be demonstrated, custody provisions can be modified, keeping in mind the best interests of the child.
If your child is spending more time with you than is listed in the custody agreement, you may wish to modify the agreement so that you can legally protect this precious time together. The additional time also means an increase in child expenses on your part, suggesting a need to modify support as well.
Your next steps
In any of these situations, you will need to show significant evidence in order to convince the court to change the agreement. Laws that govern the standards to be met in each case vary from state to state, so be sure to talk to a lawyer who is expert in the divorce laws of the state in which your divorce was issued. We here at Ulmer are experts in Pennsylvania law. Reach out to us to see how we can help you.
If you have children and are getting divorced, you will negotiate a parenting time schedule, typically called a custody agreement. This dictates the amount of time that each child will spend with each parent. It can include overnights, holidays, and special arrangements like pick-ups and birthdays. If you are divorcing with younger children, your schedule will more than likely need to be adjusted in the future to accommodate different schedules. If you have already been divorced for a few years, you may be concerned that your custody agreement is no longer working. After all, your schedule, as well as the activity schedules of your children, have probably changed over time.
First, as you move through your year, you may find that certain dates in the schedule need to be adjusted. For instance, you may need to attend a work event or a wedding on a weekend when you are scheduled to have your children. If your ex is agreeable, a simple email, phone call or text can handle these one-time changes. Sometimes, in contentious post-divorce relationships, parents feel they need to get an attorney involved in every single change. This can ensure that there is a formal agreement to the change, but is usually not necessary.
For more substantial changes to your custody agreement, you will want to make sure that the new plan is fair and, most importantly, includes a consultation and/or review with an attorney. For instance, if you are taking on more nights with your children, you may be entitled to additional child support. With more permanent changes, you should file with the court. A handshake (or email) agreement is not enforceable all the time.
If you have a more serious circumstance to consider, it is essential that you have legal guidance through the process. If your ex does not show up for scheduled time and your children are continually disappointed, homework is not completed when the children are in your ex’s care, your ex suffers from alcoholism or drug abuse or is incarcerated, then the circumstances may be extreme and legal guidance is imperative.
Lastly, you may want to change your custody agreement but your ex may be opposed to doing so. You may be changing jobs or moving or you may realize that your child’s new schedule needs to be accommodated in a different way. If you and your ex do not get along, then you might need lawyers, or even the court, to handle the change. If both parties do not agree…this will need to be negotiated. You must be able to demonstrate that it is in the best interest of the child to amend the parenting time agreement.
Regardless of the changes you need to make, your parenting time schedule can usually be adjusted. It is critical to find a lawyer who is experienced in Bucks and/or Montgomery County who can walk you through child custody issues and any other changes that should be considered.
Sometimes in child custody cases one of the parents struggles with an addiction either to drugs or to alcohol. When the parties are no longer together, the court must decide contact for each of the parents with their children. If there is a drug or alcohol addiction, it can impact the type of custody and amount of time a parent will be able to spend with their child. Oftentimes, the other parent will want those visits to be supervised. In order to establish that a parent has an addiction and in order to determine the severity of the addiction, it may be necessary to have the court order mandatory drug and alcohol testing. There are various types of testing that can be done to determine what type of drugs a parent may have been doing and each of the different types of tests have a window of accuracy. In a child custody case, it is always best to request a hair follicle test as this provides the longest history of drug usage for a parent. In addition to drug testing, if a parent has an alcohol addiction, there are tests that can measure the consistency in which a parent consumes excess alcohol. These tests are critical when a parent has an addiction as being under the influence of drugs or alcohol while caring for children can greatly put them at risk of physical harm due to neglect and/or abuse.
In any childs custody case, it is best if the parties design their own custody schedule so that they have more control over the personal considerations in each of their families as well as to include some days that may not be considered an official holiday for court custody purposes. When, however, communication has broken down and it is not possible to come to an agreement even on holidays, the court will often in both New Jersey and Pennsylvania have a routine method of determining holidays. In some counties, it is a pre-printed holiday list that the parties will receive. In others, it is a generally conceived concept. In most cases, the court will alternate holidays on an odd year/even year basis rotating the holiday every year so both parents will have time alternating years. For some holidays, such as Christmas, the court will usually break the holiday into two parts. One parent will have Christmas Eve until Christmas Day and the other parent will have Christmas Day until the Day after and this will alternate each year to allow both parents the opportunity to have Christmas morning every other year.
Some of the holidays that the Court often does not include are Halloween, birthdays of the children and birthdays of the parents. They often do not consider July 4th into the next day or after fireworks. They do not consider the Memorial Day or Labor Day as a full weekend. They usually do not split Thanksgiving in half which is possible if the parties agree to share the day. This is why it is so important that parents work together to communicate and agree to holidays rather than have a court decide how to divide the holidays. Sometimes one parent works on holidays and it makes sense the other parent should have the children but if you do not come to an agreement, this is not likely to happen. It is best if you are going through custody, not only to work out a schedule for your children but to really think about how your families structure and celebrate the holidays to make it best for the children.
One of the sad realities of divorcing when you have children is that there will be times when they will not be with you, sometimes, large periods of time if you are the parent with partial custody or even when you share joint physical custody. Sometimes, grandparents are also faced with separation from grandchildren due to divorce, death of their adult child, or incarceration of their adult child. Although you cannot always be with your child or grandchild, there are things that you can do to ensure that you are still connected to their life on a regular basis.
One of the greatest outcomes of improved technology is the ability to communicate in real time by way of video conferencing. If you and your loved one has an iphone, you can facetime over your phone. This allows you to see the other person over your phone which provides as greater sense of connection. Just today, I was able to facetime with my sister who was on a mountain skiing and I was able to watch my six year old niece ski with her dad for the first time. Although I was miles away, I was able to witness this event at the time it was happening. How amazing is that? I realize that not everyone has an iphone or can afford an iphone. If you can, it is an incredible tool for staying connected. It is very easy to use, so much so that even my three year old son is able to pick up the phone and facetime with his grandmother without me doing anything. It may require a little bit of effort in placing a photo of the person next to their facetime number, but once it set up, it is ready to go.
Another option would be to SKYPE. This requires access to a computer on both ends and the program downloaded on each computer. This a popular way of videoconferencing in Europe and is equally valuable here. You can communicate by video with your loved one but you will have to coordinate so that you are both online at the same time.
If you are not able to communicate through video, you can stay connected through other ways such as text messaging, phone calls, facebook, other social media applications, sending letters in the mail, showing up for public events that the child may be involved in. These are the traditional ways of communicating and they work great as long as you put the effort in to staying connected.
There are many opportunities to connect if you make the effort. If the other parent is placing obstacles in your path, you may need to get the terms set forth in writing in a custody order as to your rights on using these means to stay connected. If you work together, you can, however, create an opportunity for both parents to be very involved and connected regardless of where the child physically lives.
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