Tag Archive for: children

How to Explain Divorce to Your Children

Divorce impacts children of different ages very differently, and the impact can be ongoing. You’ll need to be prepared for challenges, but by starting right, you can minimize the impact and speed healthy adjustment.

Both parents should tell the children together, if at all possible, and present a unified front. Plan together how you will tell the children about your divorce, what you will say, and just as importantly, what you will not say. Children of different ages can handle different information, so if you have a wide range of ages, keep it simple when telling them together and provide more details to the older ones later, or tell the older children separately so they have more time to ask questions and discuss.

Focus on what does not change: that you are still their parents, that you will both continue to love them unconditionally, and that you want to create a healthy and happy environment for them. Don’t go into details beyond their ability to understand, and don’t place blame on one spouse or the other – and don’t let them blame themselves.

With this general framework in mind, consider the needs of each child’s age-group:

Preschool/Toddlers: This age is self-focused, concrete, dependent, unable to process emotions; they need stability, consistency, and routine.

With this age-group, actions speak louder than words. They need constant reassurance, nurturing, and consistency in routine in order to feel stable and emotionally healthy. Keep your explanations short and concrete: “I’ll be moving to a different house, but I’m still your Daddy and I love you.” The mother would add, “I’ll be taking care of you and you’ll keep living here, but sometimes you’ll visit at Daddy’s house and you’ll see Daddy a lot.” Younger children will need frequent reminders and constant reassurance.

Elementary school age (6 – 12 year olds): This age wants to make sense of the situation, find reasons. Those reasons may be illogical or petty (they may remember a small incident and think that caused the divorce) or they may blame themselves. They are still mostly concrete and dependent and will want to know how it will affect their lives: school, activities, friends.

Be sure to provide some age-appropriate explanations. They will ask many questions, and here’s where your preparation will come in handy. Be prepared with answers they can understand that do not cast blame on the other parent. Try to remain calm. Emphasize it’s not their fault and that it’s okay and right to be sad, angry, confused. Keep open communication with them and watch for mood or behavior changes that can alert you to distress so you can intervene and help them cope.

Teenagers: Teens are more independent, have more external relationships to turn to, and can understand deeper causes, but still need adults to be adults so they can still be kids.

Discuss the divorce with your teens in more detail so they can understand how you’ve tried to save your marriage and why it didn’t work. Try to do so without harming the respect they have for the other parent (unless the cause of divorce is obvious, like substance abuse, adultery, or abandonment). Teens are looking to their parents as examples of adulthood. This could also mean learning from mistakes, so being honest with them about mistakes and how you could have done things differently might actually help them grow. But they still need you to be a parent and not a buddy. They may turn to peers, teachers, and/or coaches for support, but make sure they are receiving this support from positive influences and not turning to the wrong crowd of kids to cope. Consider counseling if you see personality shifts.

For any age group, it’s critical to keep the communication open. Talking to your children about your divorce consists of many small conversations, not one big one. Even if you feel they are trying to push you away or distance themselves, keep trying. They may just be testing you to see if you really love them. Show them by your words and your actions that your love for them will not change, even if other things do.

Contact us at Ulmer Law to see how we can help you through your divorce.

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Bringing Children to Court

One of the factors for consideration in determining what is in the best interests of the child for a custody award is the preference of the child. It is common for the opinion of the child to be sought in the course of a custody evaluation. There is also the possibility that a child will appear in court to offer testimony. There are rules specific to the testimony of children in Pennsylvania. The policy of the Commonwealth is to promote procedures to protect children witnesses. These procedures are outlined in 42 Pa C.S.A. 5981 – 5988. For the purposes of the provisions in these sections, child is defined as an individual under sixteen (16) years of age. Per Section 5984.1, the court may direct that a child’s testimony be recorded for subsequent presentation in court so long as the method accurately captures all information presented during such testimony.

Similar to the allowance for recorded testimony, Section 5985 allows for the child to testify in a room other than the courtroom with the testimony being transmitted by contemporaneous alternative method. For example, the court may interview the child in chambers as opposed to on the stand in the open courtroom. There should still be a transcript of what was said in chambers. The purpose of this would be to make the experience less intimidating for the child. The court should determine if the child would be subject to serious emotional distress if they had to testify in an open forum and/or before the defendant. It is good practice to contact your Judge prior to any hearing to see if they are interested in speaking directly to the children or if they will permit the children to testify if you would like them to.

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Divorced With Children: Issues You Need to Consider

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If you are seeking a divorce and you and your current spouse are parents you need to lay the foundation for a happy and healthy future for yourself and your children. When divorcing there are both emotional and financial issues to consider. Issues surrounding children can be extremely contentious during a divorce, but a skilled attorney can help bring together to start working on issues together for the sake of the children.

If you and the other parent can not agree, a family law judge will make final decisions for you. However, they work from the relevant facts of your case, applicable laws and what they feel is in the best interest of the children. It is best to keep your case out of court and work together for the sake of your children.

When children are involved in a divorce, there are two major areas to be understood and considered:

  1. Custody / Visitation

There is legal custody (which covers who can make important legal, health and educational decisions concerning a child) and physical custody (which concerns with whom the child will live, when and for how long). Normally legal custody is shared by the parents .

During our discussions on physical custody, we will discuss where the child is going to spend his/her time during regular times of the year, vacations and holidays. Physical custody can be join which both parents have equal time or one parent may have primary custody with the other parent having partial custody. In some instances there may be no overnights or supervised custody.

2. Child Support

Parents have a legal obligation to financially support their children but must file to receive it. How that is calculated is based on state guidelines. Generally the parent who does not have primary physical custody provides child support payments to the other parent and/or agrees to pay certain bills or expenses concerning the child.

It is important to create an environment dedicated to supporting your children so they remain stable long after the divorce is over.

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How Do I Enforce a Custody Agreement in a Divorce Settlement?

When we work with you on your divorce, your divorce settlement agreement will contain all the important issues facing you and your spouse including who has what type of custody. If your relationship breaks down and one party refuses to recognize the other parent’s custody rights, the aggrieved parent can try to have the agreement enforced in court.

A properly executed, final divorce agreement is binding on the parties. It’s normally incorporated into the final divorce decree so that it will be as enforceable as any other court order. After your divorce the family courts retain the ability to enforce that judgment as long as necessary.

When you have problems it is important to know that there is a formal procedure to follow to have a custody arrangement enforced immediately. Yes, you can call the police, but do you really want your children to see that circus? To most effectively enforce the agreement we need to get in front of a judge if your spouse is being uncooperative.

An enforcement hearing is normally a much more simple legal proceeding compared to the entire divorce case with all the many issues it involves. At issue will be whether the agreement is valid and enforceable and if so whether it was violated or not. If so, the court needs create an order to enforce the agreement.

A motion to enforce the agreement would be filed with the family court. It explains the situation and discusses what terms of the agreement or prior court order was not complied with. After it’s filed the court will set a hearing date for the motion. If there are disputed issues of material fact a hearing will be scheduled. At the hearing both sides can present evidence to support their side of the story. The judge considers the evidence and legal arguments and issues a decision.

If the former spouses have a difficult relationship child custody issues and all the emotions that come with them can turn a bad situation much worse. Like all other divorce issues it’s best to try to negotiate a resolution to disagreements over custody but ultimately an aggrieved parent being denied his or her custody rights can try to bring the issue to a close with a court order.

If you have questions about child custody or feel your rights to the custody of your child have been violated, contact our office so we can talk about your situation, how the law may apply and what can be done to protect your interests and those of your child.

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How To Tell Your Children About Your Divorce

Making the decision to your divorce can be difficult. If you have children, the thought of telling them about the split may be overwhelming. While it can be a very difficult conversation to have with your children, a bit of planning and commitment to compassion will make it easier on everyone.

Have a plan to tell them. You and your spouse are ending your marriage and so will begin your relationship as co-parents. While you may be battling each other on several fronts make the commitment to show your children peace. Bring the children together as a family, and explain the situation and plan. Make sure they are comfortable and in a safe place and do not have plans for that day. They may have a variety of emotions to deal with and will not want to cancel plans or be forced out of the house.

Accept the emotions and questions as they are presented to you and do not tell your children how they should react. They may cry, yell at you, sit stunned or actually say “this is better since you fight all the time.” Your kids will have many questions and may even seem a bit self-centered. Remember, children want to feel secure about where they are going to be living and when they are going to see you. More than likely they have friends who have divorced parents and see the switching of homes and sharing of holidays. Your kids are going to want to know what the plan is for them.

Reassure your children that it was not their fault and that you still love them. Often times children feel that if they behaved better, did not fight with their siblings, or earned better grades their parents would be happier and staying together. It is critical that they hear from you it is not their fault and that adult reasons are the cause for your split.

During the months while you are getting divorced you have a beautiful opportunity to show your children peace. Yes, there may be many moving parts including moving to two new homes. If you give them a stable environment and always come from a place of love while in their presence they will adjust a little easier to all the changes.

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