Tag Archive for: shared custody

When To Consider Parallel Parenting

Studies show that children have better outcomes when they are able to spend approximately 50% of their time with each parent. However, this can be difficult in a contentious Bucks County divorce or when two parents have drastically different parenting styles.

In these high-conflict situations, parallel parenting can be the recommended solution to ensure that the kids spend ample time with each parent, yet the warring parents don’t have to interact much (if at all) with each other.

This article defines the concept of parallel parenting, including when it might be the right solution for divorced parents.

What Is Parallel Parenting?

A parallel parenting situation occurs when each parent makes their own decisions about the children’s care and activities while they are in that parent’s respective custody. In other words, parallel parenting is when you are both parenting, but doing your own thing.

This approach to custody and decision-making is typically recommended when parents do not get along. Parallel parenting is a co-parenting method that minimizes contact between the two parents because each parent has the authority to exercise autonomy and authority within their own household.

Parallel Parenting vs. Shared Custody

In a co-parenting arrangement, parallel parenting is markedly different from shared custody (also referred to as joint custody). With shared custody, both parents work together in regard to important decisions, including education, healthcare, religious upbringing, etc.

By contrast, parallel parenting virtually eliminates this shared decision-making, and communication methods for parallel parenting arrangements may be limited to email, text messaging, parenting apps, shared online platforms (like Google Drive or Dropbox), third-party mediators, and written communication.

These methods of communication minimize interactions between the parents while allowing them to exchange vital information about a child’s well-being.

While co-parenting is ideal, it’s not always practical or healthy. Parallel parenting is good in high-conflict situations. One of the key benefits of parallel parenting for children is that both parents maintain a good relationship with their kids, and the parents don’t have to interact with each other.

One potential downside of high-conflict co-parenting strategies like parallel parenting is that it opens up the door for kids to play the parents off of each other because communication is kept to a minimum.

Benefits of Parallel Parenting

When both parents want to be involved in their children’s lives but cannot maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship, parallel parenting can be a preferred approach.

The benefits of parallel parenting include reduced conflict and tension between the parents and the two homes, better-established boundaries, predictable and established communication methods, lower stress levels (due to reduced contact and arguments), and overall improved co-parenting skills.

While it may be ideal for both parents to cooperate and communicate with each other instead of in parallel, it’s important to consider the impact that ongoing conflict can have on the psychological health of the child.

Contact an Experienced Child Custody Attorney

Navigating parallel parenting, including creating a parallel parenting schedule, can be an important step in ensuring that your children have a healthy and stable living situation. To learn more about parallel parenting, contact Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C., at 866-349-4907 for a consultation.

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Privacy (or Lack Thereof) and Divorce – When Your Kids Share Your Life

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Starting a new life during or after a divorce is difficult enough. If one of your beloved children is your spouse’s spy, it can make things that much tougher. You need privacy, though depending on your child’s maturity, you may have a hard time keeping it.

Like so many other issues, you need a frank, adult discussion with your spouse on what is shared by whom and when. This must be tempered by your child’s age, personality, and maturity. What you should expect from a seven-year-old is different from what you should expect from a 17-year-old.

Sharing Too Much is Bad

You should both agree that your kids shouldn’t be telling the two of you details about each other’s lives. You also shouldn’t use your child to collect intelligence on each other nor should you believe everything you hear.

Generally, we want our kids to share. We want them to talk about their day and share their feelings, toys, and time. But they must learn that sometimes sharing is not a good idea. They must understand that some things, like information, shouldn’t always be shared. It may be difficult for a child to draw lines between things they can talk about and what they can’t.

It may not be your spouse bribing your child for the latest dirt. Your child may see it as a game. They have something they think has value, so they may believe they’ll get a treat if they tell it to you. The more you tell them you don’t want to hear it, the more they may want to spill the beans.

The two of you should also agree to communicate things impacting your child openly. It’s one thing to date someone new and maintain your privacy, but if they come to your home and meet your kids, you should let your spouse know what’s happening.

Sometimes, Not Sharing Enough is Bad, and Lying is Never Good

You must clarify to your child that there are still important things to talk about, like if someone is abusing, bullying, or harming them. If you or your spouse is losing control and lashing out at your child or neglecting them, that’s not a secret they should hold. Your child needs to understand which secrets to keep and which ones to divulge.

Telling your child you want to keep your privacy so they shouldn’t disclose some things is one thing. Telling them they should lie to cover something up for you is another. You’re setting an awful example for your child that will come back to haunt you. If you teach your kid it’s okay to lie, that’s a lesson they’ll use for years.

In the future, when you catch your child in a lie and it angers you, who’s to blame? Don’t you think your child will throw back in your face the lessons in lying you taught them? Parents in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

If you are considering getting divorced or need legal representation in a divorce matter, it is critical to get help and guidance from a trusted expert in family law. Contact us here at Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C. to see how we can help you.

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Plan for Emergencies in Your Post-Divorce Life

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Divorce was a massive change in your personal life, and the rest of the world is going through some huge changes too. Sometimes they’re a slow burn in the background of today’s news. Other times you need to take action to cope with problems that shake up your life. 

The Next Pandemic 

Few of us were prepared for the COVID-19 pandemic and the problems it posed to parents. Children couldn’t attend school. Jobs were lost or performed at home. Debates over vaccines raged. COVID-19 is still around and could potentially mutate into something far more dangerous. Other viruses could become the next pandemic. 

Add this to the list of crises you and your fellow parent must prepare for:  

  • If kids can’t go to school, where will they be? Will they split time between the two of you? What’s the best arrangement if one or both of you work at home?  
  • Have the two of you decided whether your children should be vaccinated against current threats or ones that may develop in the future? How will future medical decisions be made if the two of you can’t agree? 

We all learned how to get by during the COVID-19 lockdown. We should be better prepared if one happens again. 

Economic Uncertainty 

The inflation rate is high, reducing our buying power, but overall, the economy is doing well. There’s no sign inflation will back down any time soon, but the economy will inevitably slow and possibly go into recession. The loss of millions of jobs could bring down inflation, though that’s a method no one wants. 

It’s just a matter of time before the economy weakens and the two of you should discuss how you’ll handle it. What happens if one or both of you are unemployed? How would that impact spousal and child support? 

Despite all these unknowns, there are things you can count on:  

  • Paying child support is mandated by law, though there’s room for a judge to make adjustments in individual cases. If you pay it, losing your job is a reason to ask a judge to lower your payments, but that may not be enough. The judge may not reduce them as much as you’d like or decide you should be able to find another job and keep up the payments 
  • Spousal support obligations in a divorce order continue until a judge agrees to amend them. Both parties could agree these payments can be cut during the payor’s unemployment. Without an agreement, it would be up to a judge to decide if the ex-spouse’s lost job justifies lower payments  

You don’t know what you, your ex, or your kids may need in the future. Though it may be difficult, having at least a working relationship with your former spouse can help you deal with future emergencies. 

Get the Help You Need From a Family Law Attorney You Can Trust 

Contact Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C., if you have questions or need representation in a divorce, child support, or child custody matter. Call our office at (215) 608-1867 to schedule a consultation. We can speak over the phone, via teleconference, or meet in our Doylestown or Langhorne office. 

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Shared or Joint Custody

There are two types of custody, legal and physical. In most instances, legal custody or the major decision making process and access to information is joint or shared. When people talk about shared or joint custody, they are usually referring to the physical schedule, i.e., where the child spends his or her time. The terms shared and joint are used interchangeably and mean that the child spends equal time in both parties’ homes. There are various schedules that could be construed in as a shared or joint custody schedule. Common schedules are week to week, rotating on the same day of the week, or two set week nights in one week and alternating the weekend as a Friday to Monday morning. These are not the only options, however, and parties need to look at their particular situation if they are attempting to come up with a joint schedule. It is important to look at maximizing the quality of time each parent has by considering work schedules of the parents and activities of the child as well as the distance between the two homes. As courts seem to be moving more towards a joint or shared custody schedule and away from one primary home, it is wise to explore all different possible scenarios for the best interest of the child.

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