Money is one of the most common causes of divorce. Some studies show it as the number one cause. When a couple has different values regarding money, or when one or both partners make poor choices with their money, serious marital stress results, and this stress can flow into the divorce process and continue to be a problem after divorce.

Before divorce

Not surprisingly, most couples who divorce over money issues do not keep a budget. When there is no clear understanding of how much money is coming in and where it is going, there will be more disagreements. Overspending and credit card debt are major issues in divorce, often because one spouse spends more than the other. This is because the partners have different views about money.

This often leads to “financial infidelity” – keeping secrets from the other partner about how money was spent or on what, which naturally causes arguments and resentment when the secrets are discovered.

Financial infidelity is much more common when couples keep separate finances. Couples who keep joint finances are less likely to divorce over money and are also less likely to experience financial cheating. Couples with separate finances often know little about each other’s financial choices, often not even knowing their partner’s salary.

Spouses might keep separate accounts so they can have control over their “own” money. If they have different views about the use of money, a spouse might keep a separate account just to keep the other partner from “wasting” his or her “own” money. The problem with this view is that in marriage and in divorce, money is communal. It affects the whole household and is meant to support the whole household. Thus, hiding financial information from a spouse can cause serious distrust and strain on the relationship.

During divorce

If you fought about money while you were married, this will certainly spill into the divorce. That is why it is so important to have a divorce lawyer act as an experienced third party who can help you navigate the difficult waters of divorce.

During a divorce, you will be dividing your property and assets as well as your debts. The first thing to do is to cancel all joint credit card accounts and open separate ones. The debt on those closed accounts will become part of the divorce process, but by canceling joint accounts you can avoid any future debt that your spouse incurs being applied to you.

If financial infidelity has happened during marriage, expect that it will continue. Sometimes a spouse tries to spend money in order to draw down the joint assets (this is called dissipation). An experienced divorce lawyer will be able to recognize this. You may also need to contract the services of a forensic accountant who is an expert in going through finances and finding fraud or hidden money. Your lawyer should be able to recommend someone.

Tax changes, pension and retirement plan issues, life insurance, and costs of ongoing child support will all be important issues to discuss with your lawyer.

After divorce

If you did not do it during the divorce, as soon as possible afterward change your beneficiary information. Also make sure you close other joint accounts, like iTunes, streaming services, frequent flyers, etc. This article lists some other common steps to take.

If your money habits and attitudes contributed to the divorce, you may need to examine them. Recognize any bad habits in the use of money that need to change, and create a budget. Refrain from major purchases for some time after divorce. This gives you time to judge the situation and make decisions that are not emotionally charged. This also includes avoiding spending sprees.

When money issues fuel a divorce, it is important to obtain expert guidance so you avoid making decisions that will negatively impact you and your children in the future. Talk to one of our experts to see what we can do to help you through your divorce.

In any parenting, the stakes are high. But after divorce, they’re even higher. Creating a healthy co-parenting arrangement is crucial for helping your children to grow into emotionally healthy, confident adults. Co-parenting well is difficult, but for the sake of the children, it needs to be done.

If you and your ex don’t have a comfortable personal relationship, you should both try to think of it as a business relationship instead. Treat your co-parent like a colleague, communicate respectfully and create agreements that you keep. And ask yourself: Would I trash talk my colleague to other people? Would I blow off a meeting or be purposely late? If you wouldn’t do it to a team member at work, don’t do it to your team member in parenting. The danger of bad behavior at work is poor job performance or job loss. The danger of bad behavior in parenting is emotionally damaged children or loss of parenting rights.

Here are some important steps to healthy co-parenting.

  • The right attitude will make all the other steps of co-parenting easier, and that is to have an attitude of empathy. Try to put yourself in your children’s shoes and in your ex’s shoes. How do they feel? How would you want to be treated if you were in their position? Try to act accordingly.
  • Maintain an open dialogue, sharing the children’s schedules and important information. There are websites designed for this. Be sure to keep your co-parent informed of important news, both positive and not-so-positive (like an A on a big test as well as being sent to the principal’s office). That way you can both congratulate your child or help guide him or her into healthier choices.
  • Be flexible. If a big event comes up and your ex wants to take your kids to it, let them go. It will build positive memories for them while also building positive relationships between their parents, which can only be good for them.
  • Have some agreed-upon rules that apply at both houses: bedtime, chores, homework, internet use, manners. Knowing they have the same expectations at both Mom’s and Dad’s place gives your children a sense of consistency, stability, and security. Kids will always try to test boundaries. But it’s important to stay firm on these agreed-upon rules. Allow each parent to have other rules about less crucial things. Recognize people have different parenting styles and respect them. If no serious harm is done, let it go.
  • One rule should be no trash-talking the other parent – that goes for both you and the kids. Focus on the positive traits your ex has, speak to your children about them and think about them yourself to improve your feelings when you have to communicate about parenting.
  • Resist fighting or speaking rudely to each other in front of the children. Conflict between parents creates a sense of helplessness and insecurity in children, increasing the incidence of drug abuse and other unhealthy comfort-seeking behaviors. This example of conflict can also cause future problems in their own personal relationships, and anxiety can suppress the immune system, increasing illness.
  • Avoid being the “Fun Dad” or the “Cool Mom.” Kids need calm, quiet downtime with their non-custodial parents, too. And having a marked imbalance between parents increases a child’s dissatisfaction and insecurity and creates problems for the not-so-fun parent.
  • Agree to roles played by extended family members. They love the children, too, and are also affected by the divorce.
  • Get together regularly for family meetings about parenting decisions. You can include the children, but also have regular meetings yourselves. Update your agreements every year or two to make sure they are current and appropriate as the children grow.
  • When exchanging children for time with the non-custodial parent, have a short, pleasant goodbye so the children get a positive feeling about their visit. Don’t call unnecessarily and take time away from their other parent.

Following these steps may be difficult at first, but remembering that the goal is to help your children thrive should help it become easier in time. And that will be a win for everyone.

Divorcing when you have children brings on many questions. Here in our Langhorne, PA office, we help couples determine many post-divorce logistics related to their children. This can include how much child support you are going to pay or receive, as well as where your children are going to spend their time. Determining your parenting time schedule can be a bit difficult for parents.

First and foremost, for most parents, the most difficult part of setting up a custody schedule is realizing they are not going to be spending every day with their child. Children have the right to spend time with both parents, during the week, on weekends, and then on special occasions.  

There are many factors that can complicate a parenting schedule including where parents live, their work schedules, where the child attends school, and his/her activities. If parents can sit down together, alone or with their attorneys, it is best to collaborate on a plan. If they can not do this, then the matter will go in front of a judge who will determine the parenting schedule.  Judges often hear cases in which one parent would like sole custody for the sake of moving far away, making it prohibitive for the other parent to enjoy a 50/50 custody arrangement.  

How does a judge determine a parenting time schedule in PA?

There are 16 factors that the court can use to determine the custody of a child. They include:

  • the likelihood of the parties to encourage the child to remain in close contact with the other parent
  • any past abuse
  • what each parent currently does for the child and could that be continued
  • how stable the child’s life is
  • the availability of extended family to help
  • the existence of siblings
  • the child’s preference
  • whether the parents put the child in the middle of their disagreements
  • whether one parent is more likely to take better care of the child than the other
  • the distance between the parents
  • who will care for the child if the custodial parent is at work
  • whether there is significant conflict between the parents
  • any drug use, mental or physical abuse, or other relevant personal characteristics that may be present in the home

Most parents realize that when a judge makes a decision it is legally binding and must be followed. This is why it is best to work it out between the parties before the matter winds up in court. If your spouse is unreasonable we can negotiate child custody and a parenting schedule for you. Sometimes it is just easier to have legal representation in the room with you or to review your plans to get both parties to be a bit agreeable.  

Recently divorced couples can find it challenging to buy a new home post divorce, simply due to the intertwined nature of most married couples’ finances. If you’re ready to strike out on your own with a new home purchase, there are several factors to keep in mind. Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C., can be an asset when it comes to managing various elements of divorce, child custody issues, and family law.

Selling Your Property

According to It’s Over Easy, selling a home and dividing assets prior to a divorce is sometimes a prudent move. A division of assets is likely part of your divorce settlement, and as such, you may have proceeds from one house to invest in a new home in the form of a down payment. You want to ensure your current deal is closed and the money deposited in your bank prior to putting a bid in on a new property. Some fluctuations in divorce proceedings and final asset disposition can take unexpected turns, so you want to ensure everything is finalized before moving forward.

Assessing Your Finances

Once your divorce is settled, and your assets divided, you can better assess how much of a new home you can afford. A mortgage lender will look at your annual income, your credit, the amount of money you have available for a down payment, your monthly expenses, and then help you determine your best options. According to Bankrate, you’ll want to explore several different loan options before identifying the one that best meets your needs. Much will depend on the current average APR. Remember, you don’t want to overextend yourself, and if you’re paying for a home on your own, you may want to find something smaller than what you jointly owned with your previous spouse.

Finding The Perfect Home

Getting settled into a new residence is a healing move that can help you embrace your new independent life. In addition to cost, give careful consideration as to the size and location of the homes you look at. You may decide to stay close to your former spouse if you share children, or stay in a particular geographic region if your children are in a school district you want them to maintain. You can start your search online, and a qualified real estate agent can help you narrow the focus, tour properties of interest, and make an appropriate offer.

While divorce marks the end of one part of your life, it also opens the doors to new opportunities and the chance to gain independence and embrace a new way of living. Allow yourself time to get settled into your new home, make it uniquely yours, and embark on your next phase of life.

Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C. is home to experienced attorneys who handle divorce and child custody, wills and probate, real estate, law, and other complex legal problems. Visit the site today to learn more and reach out via email or phone for a confidential consultation.

A divorce attorney will help you start your post-marriage life. Whether you’re facing a difficult time because your spouse wants revenge or your split will be amicable, there are some rules for successfully working with your attorney no matter your situation. Here in our Langhorne office, we help clients in Bucks and Montgomery counties successfully divorce by establishing an excellent working relationship.  

Tell Her Everything

You can’t keep secrets and expect effective representation. Your attorney can only properly prepare your case when she knows everything about your marriage, even the things you don’t like to tell yourself. It could be tax evasion, physical and emotional abuse, or extramarital affairs. Surprise is the last thing an attorney wants to feel in the middle of a divorce case.

Have Your Finances in Order (or the Paperwork at Least)

Whether you’re a financial whiz, completely reliant on your spouse to manage your finances, or somewhere in between, you must find all the details of your marital, financial life. Your assets and debts will be divided as part of your divorce. We need to know what the two of you have before it can be fairly split. If you don’t fully grasp all the financial issues in your life, you must get documentation of all that’s going on. After we get that, we can help you piece everything together.

Know Your Goals – Keep Your Pension, the Beach House?

Your divorce is unique. It’s driven by the facts, the law, and what you and your spouse agree upon. You could go to trial over who gets what and how much. But the vast majority of cases end with a settlement agreement. Before negotiating, we must know what’s important to you and what your priorities are. What are the needs you must have? What are the wants you’re willing to sacrifice?

Be Realistic. Both Parents Have Rights to Time With Their Kids. They Have the Right to a Relationship with Both Parents.

Unless your spouse has serious problems with violence, mental health, or drug abuse, they will at least have time with your kids if not share custody with you. If you think spending time with your spouse isn’t in your children’s best interests, you need strong, compelling evidence to win the issues. Barring that, both parents must compromise and make your post-marriage family relationships work.

Put Other Support in Place

Divorce is often highly stressful and emotional. The expected lifelong relationship is ending. Your financial health may be at risk, and your children don’t understand what’s going on. If you have supportive, helpful friends and family members, rely on them. Professional emotional help can also be a crucial part of the support system for you and your kids. Don’t go through this alone.

Get the Help You Need From an Attorney You Can Trust

Contact Karen Ann Ulmer, PC, if you have questions or need representation. Call our office at (215) 608-1867 to schedule a consultation. We can speak over the phone, via teleconference, or meet in our Doylestown or Langhorne office.

Though a court order ends your marriage and makes your divorce official, it won’t end your relationship with your ex-spouse if you have kids. As part of your Montgomery County divorce, we will negotiate a parenting plan for you and your spouse that will set the standards for communications and schedules. The parenting plan sets a schedule for when your kids will be with whom and who is responsible for doing what to make it happen. Problems are common, whether that’s because, as a practical matter, the plan doesn’t work or one parent is intentionally trying to sabotage it.

A parenting plan usually is negotiated between the parties as part of the divorce settlement. A judge could decide the plan and make it part of the divorce order if a case goes to trial. It spells out the schedule for when children will be with each parent, transportation issues, vacation and holiday schedules, and what to do if problems arise. If difficulties come up and parents can’t find a solution, the judge decides the resolution.

Happy Holidays or Holidays from Hell?

Holidays can be incredibly stressful when parenting plans go sideways for a divorced family. Holidays are times when not only does a parent spend time with their kids, but extended families often get together. If the other parent is not living up to their end of the bargain by not allowing the children to be there or being late when delivering them, feelings can get frayed.

The Only Constant is Change

Another ongoing problem can be constant or unexpected changes. Both sides should comply with the plan in good faith. It’s a problem if one parent isn’t organized enough to follow the plan or just doesn’t care if the other parent is inconvenienced. Emergencies and unexpected problems can happen, but disruptions should be the exception, not the rule.

Parenting Plan Issues are Just the Beginning

Problems following the parenting plan can be a symptom of a bigger issue – a lack of respect. Your ex-spouse may be consistently late in picking up your kids or bringing them back and couldn’t care less about the impact on you. Making issues out of a parenting plan, along with alienating your children from you and disputing child support, could all be part of an overall strategy to make you miserable.

We Need to Resolve the Issue or Take It to Court

If a solution isn’t negotiated, we may need to go to court. We’ll tell your side of the story with evidence. You must document everything as best you can. That means taking notes, keeping copies of emails or texts, taking photos, and making videos.

Get the Help You Need From a Lawyer You Can Trust

Call Karen Ann Ulmer, PC, if you need help with your parenting plan, whether that’s questions that need answers or legal representation. Call our office at (215) 608-1867 to schedule an online consultation. We can speak via teleconference, over the phone, or meet in our Langhorne or Doylestown office.

You survived the holidays and are now getting ready to divorce. We understand that you waited through  “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” to take action. It was a long holiday season and now you are ready. Many couples wait to start the process and give their children one more happy holiday season. We know it was hard and the split will be difficult. Divorce can be difficult, particularly when you have small kids. 

Karen Ann Ulmer, PC, helps clients divorce and end relationships in the best way possible. Starting off the new year may be the best time for you to begin a new life by freeing yourself from a marriage that’s not working. If you need help with a divorce, call us at (215) 752-6200

Make a Resolution to Change Your Life for the Better

Many of us have New Year’s resolutions. Yours is to live a better life that benefits you, your children, and in the long run, perhaps your spouse. Divorce can be amicable, with both sides acting like adults and creating new lives.

But starting your divorce can be dangerous if your spouse is narcissistic, controlling, or violent. How you start the process depends on the nature of your relationship. You may want to be open about it, prepare for it in secret, or leave your home to be as safe as possible.

Where Do You Start?

There are many “little” but essential things you must do to gear up for a divorce and “big” things as well. They go to the heart of what you want to do with the rest of your life:

  • What type of child custody do you want?
  • What are your priorities moving ahead?
  • Do you want to keep your current life as intact as possible, just without your spouse?  Or is it time for a different direction?
  • Do you want to move?

Here are some suggestions to start your 2022 divorce plan:

  • Call our office. There’s too much at stake to get a divorce without an attorney. Financial and family issues, if they’re not handled properly, could haunt you the rest of your life.
  • Get your financial information in order. You’ll need to document your family’s incomes, liabilities, debts, and assets. That means organizing documents, making paper copies, or scanning and uploading them onto secure, online cloud storage.
  • Get a new email address and rent a post office box. This will allow you a safer, more secure way to communicate with your attorney. You may want to get another smartphone and keep it secure to prevent your spouse from installing malware that may grant access to your emails, text messages, and internet activity.

Get the Help You Need From an Attorney You Can Trust

Call Karen Ann Ulmer, PC, to start the process today. Do you have questions or need representation? Call our office at (215) 608-1867 and schedule a consultation online. We can speak over the phone, via teleconference, or meet in our Doylestown or Langhorne office.

Divorce can be stressful, but you can take steps to make it easier. You can’t control your spouse, but you can control your reaction to the process and to the times when issues or people become difficult. The attorneys at Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C., know the law and what you’re going through. We support our clients every step of the way and can help you make the process a bit easier on yourself:  

  1. Stay organized

There are many documents, dates, and deadlines during the divorce process. Avoid the stress of missing documents or playing catch up after passing deadlines. If you control your schedule, you won’t lose control of your life. 

Use an online or paper calendar and buy some folders. If you’re more computer-inclined, scan your important documents and organize them electronically. If you don’t want your spouse snooping on your material, protect your laptop or computer with a password.

  1. Be on time

You have enough stress in your life. Being chronically late will cause you, and those who rely on you, problems. Those rare times you must be in court, you must be on time. We should get there early so we can go over your case and have time to take a breath or two. A court appearance will be stressful enough for you, one that’s late will only be worse. It also sends the message that you don’t respect the court’s time or that of your spouse or the attorneys involved. That is not a message you want to convey.

  1. Lock down your social media

Your spouse and their attorney can read everything you post on social media. There are no secrets online, so it’s best to stay away. Let your friends and followers know you care, but that you need to step away for a time, then unplug. If you have good friends you trust, talk to them in person or on the phone. If necessary, get help from a mental health professional to help you cope.

  1. Your child has another parent

Your child has the right to enjoy a relationship with both parents and ideally, the issues that drove you and your spouse apart are not child-related. However, if you cannot reach an agreement regarding your children, a judge will make decisions for your family which are binding. We help our clients work with their soon-to-be-ex (or ex) to ensure reasonable agreements are in place. You both love your children. Do the best you can with what you have until permanent arrangements are made.

Get the Help You Need From an Attorney You Can Trust

Given all you’ve heard about divorce, you may fear getting one. It’s a manageable process that we’ve helped hundreds of others get through. Have questions about divorce or need legal representation? Call our office at (215) 608-1867 or book a consultation online now. We can speak over the phone, via teleconference, or meet in our Doylestown or Langhorne office.

When parents are going through a contentious divorce in Bucks or Montgomery counties here in Pennsylvania, great care must be taken to ensure the children are not “put in the middle.” One common issue is parental alienation. Children subjected to emotional blackmail by one or both parents may suffer from parental alienation syndrome. These supposedly loving parents try to turn their children into pawns in the divorce. Not only will a parent harm their own interests trying to do this, but they may also cause long-lasting emotional harm to their kids.

Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C., represents families in Bucks and Montgomery counties. Parental alienation is an issue that, sadly, we see too often. We help our clients deal with manipulative spouses and make sure courts know the damage they’re inflicting on their children. Contact us today so we can discuss parental alienation and share how we can help.

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Parental alienation syndrome happens when a parent tries to turn a child against the other parent, according to Psychology Today. This attempt at estrangement can be seen as seeking revenge and trying to settle scores, and can inflict pain on the other parent.

This can happen when the parent criticizes, blames, or lies about the other parent to the child. They may try to prevent the child from spending time with the other parent and tell the child they can either love them or the other parent, not both. The alienating parent may also seek the help of other family members to split the child from the other parent.

Who Might Be More Likely to Alienate Their Child From the Other Parent? 

A narcissistic parent would be more likely to play harmful games with their child to punish the other parent. They don’t have empathy for others and they focus on themselves, their feelings, and their beliefs. They build themselves up by tearing others down. While claiming to protect the child, they inflict harm.

What Are the Legal Implications? 

A parent alienating a child from the other shouldn’t have legal custody. Pennsylvania statute emphasizes having both parents in a child’s life within limits. There are 16 factors to be considered by a judge deciding who should have what kind of custody including:

  • The attempts of a parent to turn the child against the other parent
  • Which party is more likely to encourage and permit frequent and continuing contact between the child and another party

What Can You Do?

Tell us what’s happening. Your spouse is harming your child and that must end. We can file motions with the court asking that time with the child be supervised or eliminated.

Talk to your child. Tell them if the other spouse says bad things about you, they should get your side of the story. Don’t start bashing the other parent in response, or you may be accused of doing the alienating.

Get the Help You Need From a Lawyer You Can Trust

If you have any questions about or need representation in a child custody or divorce matter, call us at (215) 608-1867 or schedule a consultation online now. We can speak over the phone, via a teleconference, or meet in our Doylestown or Langhorne offices.

Congratulations! You’ve made a very wise choice by divorcing a spouse who’s a narcissist. Life is too short to spend your time with an abusive spouse. Expect that your spouse might try to make the divorce as painful as possible and expect us to strongly defend your rights and ensure you’re treated fairly by the court no matter what.

Here in Bucks and Montgomery counties, the attorneys at Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C., could take many approaches to your divorce. We will work with you to develop the right strategy, which is especially important when dealing with a spouse who will do all they can to make your life difficult. Contact us today so we can discuss your situation and share how we can help.

What is a Narcissist? 

Narcissistic personality disorder, reports the Mayo Clinic, is a condition where the person has an exaggerated sense of their importance, a need for attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. The person has fragile self-esteem and is very sensitive to the slightest criticism.

The person may:

  • Become angry and feel slighted if they don’t get special treatment
  • Have severe problems with relationships
  • Show rage or contempt and belittle another person to keep an appearance of superiority
  • Have difficulty with or be unable to regulate their emotions and behavior
  • Be unable to deal with stress and adapt to change
  • Feel depressed when they are imperfect
  • Feel insecure, ashamed, vulnerable, and humiliated

How Did I Stay Married to a Narcissist?

Every relationship is unique. Your spouse fulfilled whatever wants and needs you had until the point you had enough of their negative traits and behaviors. Narcissists can be charismatic, charming, and fascinating early in a relationship and whenever they want to turn on the charm. They can be popular for a time until friends and co-workers see their other side. Maintaining long-term relationships can be a challenge for them, reports an article in Psychology Today.

Narcissists tend to play mind games to exert power over their spouses and reinforce their independence. They can be very good at maintaining an emotional distance but engage more deeply when they feel they have something to gain. A narcissist may have many short-term relationships (in which they exploit the other person) but be incapable of what’s needed for a successful long-term relationship – intimacy and emotional connection.

How May Narcissism Impact a Divorce? 

Another Psychology Today article warns those divorcing a narcissist of what may lie ahead:

1. He or she must “win” and be proven “right”

They will see themselves as victims, no matter the facts to the contrary, and may have little or no interest in negotiating a settlement. If there are negotiations, expect “low ball” offers, stalling, and a lack of good faith. Your spouse may want a trial to use the courtroom as their stage where they can tell the story of how abused they are and how evil you are.

You may face a “scorched earth” strategy to satisfy your spouse’s need for revenge. While most parties will avoid outrageous claims and stunts because it may harm the couple’s children or others might react negatively, that’s not true of narcissists because they don’t care how others feel. They just want to win, no matter the cost.

2. Your spouse wants you to give up

Narcissists love games and winning because it’s one of the few things that make them feel good. A symbolic trophy may be your giving in to their demands. Many of them will be petty, so it may be worth small sacrifices to move the process forward.

3. As many games as possible will be played

Studies show narcissists maintain power in relationships by keeping others off balance. If they have the resources and a cooperative attorney, there could be many court filings, and your spouse could be a charmer in the courtroom. Expect obstruction, chaos, and a desire to drive up your costs as much as possible, including disputes and litigation after your divorce is final.

4. A trial will make your spouse feel powerful

As bad as they are at maintaining them, narcissists need relationships to feed their needs. Your relationship will continue as the divorce drags on. Expect lies and negative information to hurt you and to make themselves look superior. Your spouse may rather be hated than have you feel indifferent.

Get the Help You Need From an Attorney You Can Trust

Over the years we’ve dealt with many narcissist spouses. We know how they treat our clients and the divorce process. Part of our strategy to protect your rights and interests is to be proactive and strongly discourage the game-playing and abuse that can make a bad divorce situation worse. We will deal with your spouse as much as possible, so you won’t have to.

If you have any questions about divorce or need legal representation, call our office at (215) 608-1867 or book a consultation online now. We can speak over the phone, via a teleconference, or meet in one of our offices in Doylestown or Langhorne.