Tag Archive for: abuse

When the Abuser Flips the Table

“There you go again,” your soon-to-be ex snaps. “Why are you yelling at me? You’re abusive. Maybe you need therapy because I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Spoiler alert: They have, in fact, done something wrong.

When the abuser flips the table, so to speak, they can make you feel like you’re losing your mind. They may not hurt you physically, but emotional damage like this can sting even worse.

You’re not at the mercy of your abuser, though. By recognizing their underhanded tactics, you’ll be better prepared to fight back.

The Dirty, Crazy-Making Tricks Abusers Pull To Convince You That You’re the “Bad Guy”

Abusers are masters at emotional manipulation. Many have honed their techniques for years, and they’re scarily good at what they do.

Gaslighting is one of these techniques. It involves misdirection, essentially shifting the blame from them to you in a way that makes you feel you’re losing your mind.

For example, a gaslighting pro might deliberately do something hurtful, then say, “You’re too sensitive,” or “That never happened.”

Gaslighting can also involve false accusations where the abuser flips the table and makes it seem as though you’re the one who deserves blame. For example, suppose your spouse is an alcoholic, and you call them out for drinking when they were meant to be watching the kids.

They say, “I wouldn’t have been drinking if you hadn’t been checking out that guy at the grocery store,” even though you did nothing of the sort. Suddenly, you’re the one under the microscope. The abuser has successfully shifted blame from themselves to you.

Recognizing Self-Defense vs. Abuse

A very common tactic abusers use is to push their victims until they snap and turn to reactive abuse. The victim might scream back or even hit the abuser. This gives the abuser even more ammunition to use against their victim. “You’re the abusive one,” they tell you.

Is that really true? Probably not. These are clear signs that it’s self-defense, not abuse:

  • Your actions are out of character. You’ve never yelled at or hit anyone else before.
  • You feel guilty for what you did afterward.
  • You didn’t initiate the abuse. You only lashed out after the abuser struck first.
  • You feel confused about why you acted the way you did.

Beating Emotional Abusers at Their Own Game

The only real way to beat an emotional abuser at their game is not to play. The abuser wants a reaction from you, so don’t give them one.

Walk away from the conversation (or better yet, leave the house if the abuser lives with you). Call a trusted friend and talk about what happened. It can also be helpful to journal about the incident.

We Refuse To Let That Abuser Walk All Over You

When an abuser flips the table, flip it back by calling Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C. Our attorneys have seen it all, and we know how to handle abusive gaslighters with the help of Protection from Abuse (PFA) orders and divorce assistance. You’re never alone when you have our firm looking out for you.

To schedule a consultation, call (215) 752-6200.

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Custody and Domestic Violence

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Emotions run high in any child custody discussion.  When you are fighting with your soon-to-be-ex, in person or through your attorneys, that arguing adds extra pressure to the process.  When violence and abuse are already present in the relationship, there is added urgency along with a fear of you or your children being victimized.  

 

Whether you are negotiating parenting time and a custody schedule for the first time or you think an existing schedule should be reviewed, it is very important for you to tell your attorney about any abuse.  As divorce and family attorneys, we have helped many families through these situations.

First and foremost, if your spouse is abusing you and/or your children, it is critical that you get yourself to safety and follow the protocols of the Bucks and Montgomery County Protection from Abuse (PFA) procedures.

Next, an experienced attorney can help you unravel the tangle of domestic violence as it relates to your custody case.  To be clear, just because you say you are being abused does not mean the judge is going to grant you full custody or take away the other parent’s rights.  While protection and safety are of primary concern, there needs to be documented proof of abuse.  This is where an experienced attorney can help you.  

Documentation is a very important part of any abuse case and should include as much detail as you can by date.  Remember to not only include details about any physical abuse, but also emotional abuse as well.  You will need to find a safe place to store your documentation and sometimes the best place is out of your home and away from where your spouse may find it.  Sometimes your computer or phone can be safe.  We can help you put the right system in place.  Record incidents of physical abuse with a doctor (including pictures) and even with a therapist or social worker.  As you document, also make sure to tell at least one trusted confidant what is happening; this can be a friend or family member.  This level of documentation is critical so that you have a trail of proof should it ever be needed.  

As mentioned above, your safety is of utmost importance and stopping the abuse is the goal.  When your emotions run high, working through the legal process can seem tedious and a waste of time.  However, all custody issues in Montgomery and Bucks County, PA need to be resolved following a legal procedure and we can help you work through it quickly to obtain the best possible resolution.  

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NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Next week, October 16th – 22nd, is the week of action. You can visit www.nnedv.org for details on the daily initiatives. Thursday, October 20th, is purple Thursday and people are encouraged to wear purple to raise awareness. Pennsylvania has several laws in place to protect victims of domestic violence.

The Protection from Abuse (PFA) Act provides a civil remedy in the form of a stay away order. The PFA Act can only be utilized if there is a certain relationship between the victim and the offender; specifically, family or household members, sexual or intimate partners, or persons who share biological parenthood. Abuse under the PFA Act includes causing or attempting to cause bodily injury, rape, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, sexual assault, placing another in fear of imminent serious bodily injury, infliction of false imprisonment, physically or sexually abusing minor children, and stalking in the sense of engaging in a course of conduct which place a person in reasonable fear of bodily injury. Three years is the maximum length of a PFA Order. Violations of a PFA Order can carry criminal violations.

Pennsylvania’s Protection from Sexual Violence and/or Intimidation Act (PSVI) is another civil remedy that allows victims to obtain a civil no-contact order for up to three (3) years. Adults and minors can petition for an Order on the basis of sexual violence. Only minors may obtain an Order on the basis of intimidation provided the offender is over 18 years old. There is no filing fee to file. A temporary Order can be granted following an ex parte hearing. A final hearing must be held within ten (10) days of when the Petition is filed. The victim must establish sexual violence and/or intimidation by a preponderance of the evidence. The PSVI Act does not restrict protection based on relationship of the parties involved. Sexual violence for purposes of the PSVI Act includes but is not limited to rape, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, sexual assault, indecent exposure, and unlawful dissemination of an intimate image. Violation of a PSVI Order can also carry criminal consequences.

Click here to read more about Protection from Abuse.

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National Alcohol Screening Day

Today is National Alcohol Screening Day. The day is intended to raise awareness and highlight treatment options. It was first observed in 1999 and falls under the category of mental health screenings. Alcohol abuse is a frequent issue in family law matters. Often times, excessive alcohol consumption can be a trigger to aggressive or violent behavior. It is not unusual for Protection from Abuse matters to include allegations from the victim that the other party was drinking prior to the incident resulting in the petition. Alcoholism is also a factor in custody matters.

Drug or alcohol abuse is one of the factors the courts must consider when trying to determine what custody arrangement will be in the child’s best interest along with past or present abuse. The court must also consider the criminal background of the parents as well as any other adult household members. Charges related to driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol are on the list as far as criminal history to be considered in a custody matter. It is possible to request a drug/alcohol evaluation as part of a custody matter. Depending on the extent of the abuse, supervised custody may be appropriate to ensure the safety of the child. You can visit https://mentalhealthscreening.org/programs/initiatives for more information on national alcohol screening day.

Click here to read more about Protection from Abuse.

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