Healthcare for Children after a Pennsylvania Divorce

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When couples with children divorce, many child custody issues need to be addressed, including who will pay for the children’s health insurance and out-of-pocket medical costs. If parents cannot come to an agreement out of court, the judge will decide for them. In Pennsylvania, certain general standards are followed, which may be adjusted to the family’s particular circumstances.

Who provides health insurance coverage?

The judge will look at factors such as whether one or both parents have access to employer-sponsored health insurance, the relative benefits, costs of each, and which parent is currently providing insurance. Generally, but not always, the parent paying child support and/or having the higher income will be responsible for providing health insurance coverage. In some circumstances, the cost of providing health insurance will be split between the parents, in the amount proportionate to their incomes.

According to PA law, if neither parent is able to provide medical insurance, either because there is no employer-sponsored plan or because the plan exceeds “reasonable cost,” defined as 5% of net monthly income, the court may order that the child be covered under a PA government-sponsored plan.

Within 30 days of the court order, the parent providing coverage must submit written proof to the other parent that insurance has been obtained, including insurance cards and other necessary materials.

Who pays for copays and other out-of-pocket expenses?

Copays and other medical expenses in excess of $250.00 are allocated proportionately to the parents’ income. Medical expenses include surgical, dental, optical, and orthodontics, but not cosmetic, chiropractic, or psychiatric care unless so ordered by the court.

Since doctors and hospitals do not automatically allocate their bills to each parent, contact their billing offices and establish a contract defining what percentage of each bill should be charged to each parent. Both parents should sign the contract. This will avoid having the custodial parent receive the bill and be held responsible for paying it in full, leading to either a struggle to get reimbursement from the other parent or being hounded by bill collectors.

When does the obligation to provide healthcare insurance end?

Unless otherwise stipulated in an agreement or court order, a parent’s responsibility to provide health insurance ends when the child turns 18 or graduates from high school, whichever is later.

Whenever possible, divorcing couples should work to develop an out-of-court agreement, with the help of an experienced divorce lawyer, so that no stone is left unturned and no loophole is missed. By doing so, both parents maintain control over the situation and avoid turning over to a judge the final decisions that will so closely affect their own futures and the futures of their children. Contact us here at Karen A. Ulmer, P.C. to see how we can help you.

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Can I Force My Ex to Get a Drug Test under Pennsylvania Law?

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When children are involved in a divorce in Pennsylvania, one of the most important factors to be weighed in any judgment is the best interest of the child. If your ex has full or partial custody or visitation rights of any kind and you have serious concerns about your children’s welfare due to substance abuse, it is possible to require a drug test.

It’s extremely important to have a family law attorney involved in this process. You need to be able to produce evidence or very strong reasons for your belief, not just “a feeling.” Rules of evidence must be closely adhered to in order to maximize the likelihood of your success and avoid poorly collected evidence being thrown out as inadmissible in court – or worse, illegally obtained.

The first step may be to collect some initial evidence, under the guidance of your lawyer, to demonstrate you have a solid case. The next is to have your attorney file a motion asking the court to order the drug test. There are a variety of tests from which to choose based on your particular case and the judge’s preference: urine, blood, or hair analysis will give the court the information it needs.

Before the judge can rule, there will be a hearing, at which time your attorney will present your arguments and supporting evidence. Your ex-spouse will also likely be present or have a lawyer present to argue in his or her defense.

If the judge orders drug testing, the results will determine what happens next. If the parent tested fails the test, the particular substance and the level of use would be factored in deciding what custody modifications need to be made. Someone who tests positive for occasional marijuana use will likely not be judged as harshly as someone with recent, frequent heroin abuse. The judge may also order a second drug test after 60 or 90 days to determine if the parent is able to stop abusing the substance.

Child custody or visitation may be altered based on the information from the drug test, but the parent’s access to the child may not be completely blocked unless results demonstrate a very serious and consistent use of dangerous substances. The child’s physical and emotional safety are always weighed alongside the importance of having a positive relationship with both parents. This is a very difficult balance to keep, and mistakes can be made, but the intentions are good. Children grow best when they have a healthy relationship with both parents.

If you suspect substance abuse by your ex and want a custody modification in order to protect your children, please contact us here at Karen A. Ulmer, P.C. It is critical to bring the strongest case forward the first time because if you fail the first time, a second motion is less likely to be accepted unless the situation has changed or stronger evidence has come forth. Please contact us to see how we can help you present the strongest case possible.

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In PA, Can a Custodial Parent Move Out of State with the Children?

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In Pennsylvania, a divorced custodial parent cannot move out of state without informing the other parent, who has the legal right to object and attempt to block the move. 

We know you may want to move out of state for many reasons including a job opportunity, to be closer to family, or even just a fresh start. However, the other parent, even if they do not have custody, still has a right to be involved in the decision and possibly even block it. The courts are going to want to ensure that the move is not going to interfere with the non-custodial parent’s ability to be involved in the lives of their children.

Custodial parent’s legal duty in order to move out of state in PA

The custodial parent must serve the non-custodial parent and anyone else who has partial custody or visitation rights with official notice by sending a letter by certified mail, return receipt requested, 60 days before the move. If the custodial parent does not know 60 days before the move, the non-custodial parent must be informed within 10 days of the custodial parent finding out about the need to move. The letter must include:

  • Expected relocation date
  • Purpose of relocation
  • New street address, mailing address, and home phone number
  • Names and ages of everyone who will be living at the home with the children
  • Names of the new school and school district
  • Proposed adjusted visitation plans for the non-custodial parent
  • Any other relevant information

The non-custodial parent (or other person with court-assigned custody or visitation rights) has 30 days to file an objection to block the move, after which he or she loses the right to block relocation.

Factors the court considers

The burden of proof is on the relocating parent to demonstrate that the move would be beneficial to the children, improving their quality of life or standard of living without significantly affecting their relationship with the non-custodial parent in a negative way. The non-custodial parent must present arguments demonstrating valid reasons why the custodial parent should not be permitted to take the children away.

The court will weigh the factors:

  • The advantages of the move for the custodial parent and the children
  • The seriousness and validity of the moving parent’s reasons for the move. For instance, not simply because the parent wants a change of scenery or a new start
  • The seriousness and validity of the non-custodial parent’s objections
  • The level of involvement of the non-custodial parent in the children’s lives – for instance, attending sporting events and school events regularly outside of visitation time vs. only seeing or talking to the children every other weekend
  • The reasonableness of the new visitation arrangements, demonstrating no adverse effect on the relationship of the children with the non-custodial parent

Ultimately, while the court cannot stop a custodial parent from moving out of state, it can prevent him or her from taking the children. If the custodial parent still chooses to move, the custody of the children will be transferred to the other parent (or another responsible party, such as a grandparent).

If you are divorced and you or your ex is planning to move, it is critical to get help and guidance from a trusted expert in custody law. Contact us here at Karen Ann Ulmer, P.C. to see how we can help you.

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Wait! I Never Said That! How Your Spouse Can Try to Game the System

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As long as there has been litigation, there have been parties willing and able to use fraudulent evidence. It’s used to sway a judge or jury or pressure the other party into an unfavorable settlement. The only thing that’s changed is that the technology used to create these fakes has improved, but they can still be exposed as fraud.  

Why This is a Really Bad Idea 

Using fabricated evidence is an all-or-nothing strategy. Depending on the situation and the materials used, a spouse could get away with this and reach their goals. But if it’s exposed, no judge will tolerate a party trying to engage in fraud against the court. If this happens and your case goes to a trial, the judge may not permit your spouse to present any evidence, so the case will be decided based on your side of the story. 

No competent attorney will be involved in knowingly presenting falsified evidence in any legal matter. If they do, they risk being professionally sanctioned and their reputation tainted. No client is worth it. If your spouse falsifies a government document or forges your signature, they may be criminally charged. 

That Doesn’t Mean Your Spouse Won’t Try It 

The fake evidence someone may use is only limited by their imagination and ability to produce it. It can be as simple as falsely describing a conversation the two of you had. If there are no witnesses or recordings, it’s your word against your spouse’s. Other kinds of fake evidence are more complicated: 

  • Text messages or emails can be altered or fabricated, but you should have copies of the messages you send. You should keep copies of any messages sent by your spouse in case they later change something sent to you.
  • Faked phone messages would require changes by audio editing software. This software is free, openly available, and with a little practice, your spouse may be able to create a new message that sounds natural. If this happens, its authenticity can be challenged. If they claim you left it on a specific date and time, through your phone records you should be able to show you didn’t call your spouse then. A judge should only accept a voicemail recording from your husband’s service provider, not one downloaded from your spouse’s laptop. 
  • Your spouse may alter or create pictures and videos using Photoshop, Filmora, or similar software. You and others present when the event took place may testify what’s presented didn’t happen. An expert can also analyze the images and testify that the photos or videos have been altered and how it was done. 
  • The next frontier of fakery is using artificial intelligence to create audio or video recordings. Software and apps are available to do this, but the result would need to be convincing if someone wants to use it as evidence. There can be testimony asserting that what’s in the video never happened, and expert testimony could show it’s the result of video and audio manipulation 

If your spouse presents you with faked material they threaten to use, don’t panic. It may be good for your case. After it’s shown to be fake, your spouse will have no credibility, which is critical in divorce and child custody cases, and it may substantially hamper their ability to tell their side of the story to a judge. It also shows how desperate your spouse is and how fearful they are of your evidence. 

Get the Help You Need From a Lawyer You Can Trust 

If you need help with a divorce or child custody dispute, use our online calendar to schedule a free consultation or call us at (215) 752-6200. 

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Time for a Digital Lockdown

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Smart devices and social media are integral parts of our lives. But they can cause problems if you’re getting a divorce or preparing for one. The biggest issues are making damaging statements on social media and losing your privacy on your smartphone, laptop, or computer. It may be best to put your hands up and step away from your smartphone.  

Your Spouse the Casual Snooper 

Your smartphone may be how you make phone calls and view and send emails and texts related to your divorce. If you’re still living together, your spouse may look through your smartphone to see who you’re calling and who’s calling you. Your spouse may also read your texts and emails.  

You should make your devices as secure as possible. Change the password on your phone, shut off notifications, and delete unnecessary apps. Cancel accounts you own jointly, like Netflix or Apple. 

All remaining accounts and apps should have two-step authentication. If someone tries to access the account or change a password, you should get an email or text confirming that you’re the one taking the action. If you weren’t, don’t permit the change to happen. 

You should also go “old school” to protect your privacy by getting a post office box. If someone mails something divorce-related to you, your spouse won’t have access to it. 

Spyware and What You Can Do About It 

Changing passwords will make devices hard to use if your spouse is physically looking at your device when the opportunity arises. But if your spouse is knowledgeable and under-handed enough, your spouse may install illegal spyware, which may render your security efforts useless. 

Spyware is hidden software that secretly records information and tracks your activities. It may monitor and copy everything you enter, store, upload, and download. It also may be sophisticated enough to track your location and, without you being aware, turn on a device’s camera and microphone so your spouse can spy on you in real-time. 

Instead of trying to find and delete spyware, you could use your devices for everything other than divorce-related matters but buy a “burner” phone or laptop. You pre-pay for time using a “burner” phone, then dispose of it when you’re done. If possible, keep it secret, locked away when you’re not using it, and password protected. You could do the same with an inexpensive Chromebook which you can use for emails and internet research. 

Social Media is Not Your Friend 

You need support from friends and family to get through a divorce. Just don’t use social media to discuss it with them. Talk on the phone or in person. Anything you post on social media could be evidence that may be used against you. Complain about your spouse and the divorce process all you want, but not in a way that could damage your case.  

If you’re disciplined enough, maintain your accounts and post about things unrelated to your spouse and divorce. If you’re someone who blows off steam online, stop using social media to avoid the temptation. 

Get the Help You Need From a Lawyer You Can Trust 

If you want help with preparing for a divorce, have questions about the process, or need legal representation, use our online calendar to schedule a free consultation or call us at (215) 752-6200. 

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What You Risk With a Do-It-Yourself Divorce

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Legal representation in a divorce costs money. But it’s an investment that helps you prevent serious problems that you may encounter during and after your DIY divorce. A lawyer can save you time, energy, stress, and in the long run, money, by avoiding mistakes that you’ll make representing yourself.  We help couples here in Bucks and Montgomery Counties efficiently negotiate their divorce to save money on legal bills while still providing all the protection necessary.  

The more you have going on in your life, the more you risk in a DIY divorce. You may make it through the process alone, but you can’t go back for a do-over if serious problems arise after your divorce is final. If you agreed to something or an issue is decided by a judge, it might be impossible to change. 

Ignorance is Not Bliss 

Are you ready for these issues?  

  • You’re a stay-at-home parent while your spouse earns an income, or you worked to help your spouse improve their education and make more money. Are these factors impacting alimony or asset distribution? 
  • Your spouse owns a business. Is it profitable or not? How much has your spouse invested in it? Is it used to shelter marital assets so you won’t get a share? Is your spouse or the pair of you in debt due to the business? How will these issues impact your divorce? 
  • Your spouse has had extramarital affairs. Does that affect your divorce or your child custody claims? 
  • You have children. How are custody and child support determined? Do you feel your child should not be with your spouse? If so, how do you convince a judge you should get custody? 
  • You and your spouse have strong disagreements over how your child should be raised. How will they be resolved after your divorce? Who will decide what? 
  • A divorce will impact your current and future finances. Tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars may be at stake. Nearly all divorce cases settle through negotiations. How much negotiation experience do you have? Would you be comfortable negotiating a settlement with so much on the line? 
  • Your spouse has legal representation. Do you still go through the process by yourself? 

The time to learn about divorce, the law, and court procedures is not while representing yourself in your divorce. Mistakes can be costly. 

Your Life is Already Stressful. Do You Want to Add to It? 

It’s very stressful if you file legal documents and they’re rejected by the court clerk or a judge denies your motion. You may or may not be able to try again. Your spouse (or maybe worse, their attorney) may become very demanding and put you under a lot of pressure to agree to something that’s against your interests. How will you respond? 

Benefits of legal representation include the fact that we will handle the details, map out the strategy, execute our plan, make adjustments as needed, and deal with your spouse, their attorney, and the court system.  

Karen Ann Ulmer, PC, will save you time you don’t have to spare and prevent stress you don’t want. We also have knowledge and experience that you lack. We will zealously defend your rights and protect your interests during negotiations and in court so you won’t have to. 

Get the Help You Need From an Attorney You Can Trust 

If you have questions about divorce or want representation, use our online calendar to schedule a free consultation or call us at (215) 752-6200. 

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How Do I Use a Prenup If I Divorce?

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A prenuptial agreement, if properly executed, can make a divorce much simpler, so the process consumes less time, energy, and money. If you plan on getting married, it’s something worth considering. Here in Bucks and Montgomery Counties, we make sure that you have an airtight prenup when you get married and also skillfully use your prenuptial agreement should you get divorced.  

What is a Prenuptial Agreement? 

A prenuptial agreement, or a premarital contract or “prenup,” is a contract between two people planning to marry. It’s a written, signed document containing mutual promises. It goes into effect when the two marry. The parties release their rights when they divorce, or one dies.  

It can cover who pays what expenses during the marriage and what will happen if there’s a divorce: 

  • Who will receive how much alimony 
  • How property will be divided 
  • How assets and debts will be divided 

Who will get what kind of child custody and who will pay how much child support are not topics in a prenup. Those agreements will be part of your divorce agreement.   

What Makes a Prenup Valid? 

To be enforceable, the agreement must be: 

  • Written 
  • Voluntarily signed by the parties 
  • Not severely unfair and one-sided (one party will not be left destitute)  
  • A result of both parties fully disclosing their financial information 
  • Free of fraud or duress 

Both parties need to have attorneys help them put the agreement together and review it. This is a significant component in ensuring that the prenup is enforceable.   

Can a Prenup Be Disputed? 

A prenup can be challenged if a party can make a good faith argument that it isn’t enforceable. A court should uphold the prenup unless there’s clear and convincing evidence showing legal requirements weren’t met. A prenup may have been very fair when it was written but due to a change of circumstances, one party is going to now be left destitute.  That will not be allowed.  

What are Potential Complications? 

When a marriage starts, both parties make assumptions based on what they want to do or what they think will happen. But life is complicated: 

  • Both parties may be employed, so the agreement may be made based on that continuing. One or both may be temporarily unemployed at some point. One may suffer a disability, so that person has a lower or no income.  
  • A party may own a business before the marriage or start one after the wedding. The business may do very well, so there’s more income and assets than expected, or very poorly, so the income is much lower than what they planned for, or a spouse (or both spouses) may be deep in debt.
  • The two may have a child and one spouse may become a stay-at-home parent. If they weren’t planning for a child, expenses might be much higher than expected and income much lower 

Prenups should account for many possibilities, not just what the couple plans to do. If they encounter financial challenges that aren’t covered, it can cause conflicts during the divorce. 

Get Help With a Prenup From an Attorney You Can Trust 

If you have questions about prenups, want help creating one, or feel the one you signed shouldn’t be enforced, use our online calendar to schedule a free consultation or call us at (215) 752-6200. 

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Your Pennsylvania Divorce: Who Gets the House?

Making the decision to get a divorce is difficult, inciting many stresses and uncertainties. It may be challenging to envision what a life without your relationship, your routine, and your home might look like. But the fact of the matter is that you may walk away from your divorce without ownership of some of your most valued assets, like your house. That’s why it’s important to know your rights and enlist the help of a divorce attorney who can guide you through the process as you divide assets between you and your spouse.

In order to move on after divorce, you and your spouse must reach an agreement on which of you will keep the house, and which of you will move elsewhere. To ensure you’re receiving all that you deserve and making the best decisions for you and your family’s future, we’ve come up with a guide to help you navigate how to decide who gets the house in your Pennsylvania divorce.

Analyze Your Assets

An important concept to understand as you navigate divorce is your assets. An asset is anything that holds real value. There are many types of divorce assets, including:

  • Real estate (marital property)
  • Liquid (cash)
  • Retirement investments
  • Personal property
  • Business (owned businesses or streams of income)

Any items acquired over the duration of your marriage could be considered assets, and the list can become long and complex. In this article, we’ll focus on the house as an asset, as it’s often one of the most significant deliberations amongst divorce mediations.

Assess Ownership

The first step in the process is to figure out who owns the house. Is the house marital property or separate property? If the house was purchased before marriage, it’s considered separate property, and that spouse may have rights to keep the house. However, if both spouses have a history of making mortgage payments (assets are commingled), both spouses have rights to ownership post-divorce. If the house was purchased during marriage, it’s marital property, which makes splitting things a bit simpler. Knowing this information will help you understand the possible next steps.

Discuss With Your Spouse

As you follow the steps for divorce in Pennsylvania, have a discussion with your spouse. Each partner should express what their goals are regarding where to live after divorce. Should you want to keep the house and your partner does not, or vice versa, you may be able to come to an agreement or a buyout without the help of an attorney. If you both want to keep the house and are unable to agree on how to go about it, the court will analyze your situation and come to a decision for you both. Think deeply about your emotional attachment to the house before you take it to the court, as this will require a lot of time and money. That said, the harder you work as a couple to sort through this, the smoother the separation process will go. 

Determine What You Can Afford

Whether you hope to keep the house or find alternative housing, you need to take a deep dive into your finances to determine the most affordable option. Your emotional attachment to the house may leave you fighting to keep it, however, your new single income may not be sufficient for staying, especially with children. Consider your individual income, child support payments, and credit health in order to decide whether or not you can afford to keep the house, or if you can afford to buy one of your own. Buying a house on a single income will likely shrink your selection of available homes compared to your combined income. Apply for a mortgage preapproval to see how much house you can afford and compare it to prices of homes in your desired area to determine if buying a home, keeping your existing one, or renting is a viable option.

Understand the Court’s Decision-Making Process

Should you decide to put your fate in the court’s hands, it’s important to know what’s taken into consideration when designating ownership. The court will take a look at each spouse’s financial situation and consider any children the couple have, along with their custody plans. Also, know that the court will always rule in the best interest of the children. If you don’t have children, the court can rule a buyout as the best option, or order that the house be sold, splitting the profits evenly between the couple. To split accurately, the court will also consider the amount paid toward the mortgage if the house is considered separate property.

It can be difficult to navigate how to handle your house during a divorce, but with the help of a reliable attorney, you can come out the other side of divorce happier than ever. Contact Karen A. Ulmer, P.C. for additional guidance centered around family law, custody agreements, and all things divorce.

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Money Issues – Before, During, and After Divorce

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Money is one of the most common causes of divorce. Some studies show it as the number one cause. When a couple has different values regarding money, or when one or both partners make poor choices with their money, serious marital stress results, and this stress can flow into the divorce process and continue to be a problem after divorce.

Before divorce

Not surprisingly, most couples who divorce over money issues do not keep a budget. When there is no clear understanding of how much money is coming in and where it is going, there will be more disagreements. Overspending and credit card debt are major issues in divorce, often because one spouse spends more than the other. This is because the partners have different views about money.

This often leads to “financial infidelity” – keeping secrets from the other partner about how money was spent or on what, which naturally causes arguments and resentment when the secrets are discovered.

Financial infidelity is much more common when couples keep separate finances. Couples who keep joint finances are less likely to divorce over money and are also less likely to experience financial cheating. Couples with separate finances often know little about each other’s financial choices, often not even knowing their partner’s salary.

Spouses might keep separate accounts so they can have control over their “own” money. If they have different views about the use of money, a spouse might keep a separate account just to keep the other partner from “wasting” his or her “own” money. The problem with this view is that in marriage and in divorce, money is communal. It affects the whole household and is meant to support the whole household. Thus, hiding financial information from a spouse can cause serious distrust and strain on the relationship.

During divorce

If you fought about money while you were married, this will certainly spill into the divorce. That is why it is so important to have a divorce lawyer act as an experienced third party who can help you navigate the difficult waters of divorce.

During a divorce, you will be dividing your property and assets as well as your debts. The first thing to do is to cancel all joint credit card accounts and open separate ones. The debt on those closed accounts will become part of the divorce process, but by canceling joint accounts you can avoid any future debt that your spouse incurs being applied to you.

If financial infidelity has happened during marriage, expect that it will continue. Sometimes a spouse tries to spend money in order to draw down the joint assets (this is called dissipation). An experienced divorce lawyer will be able to recognize this. You may also need to contract the services of a forensic accountant who is an expert in going through finances and finding fraud or hidden money. Your lawyer should be able to recommend someone.

Tax changes, pension and retirement plan issues, life insurance, and costs of ongoing child support will all be important issues to discuss with your lawyer.

After divorce

If you did not do it during the divorce, as soon as possible afterward change your beneficiary information. Also make sure you close other joint accounts, like iTunes, streaming services, frequent flyers, etc. This article lists some other common steps to take.

If your money habits and attitudes contributed to the divorce, you may need to examine them. Recognize any bad habits in the use of money that need to change, and create a budget. Refrain from major purchases for some time after divorce. This gives you time to judge the situation and make decisions that are not emotionally charged. This also includes avoiding spending sprees.

When money issues fuel a divorce, it is important to obtain expert guidance so you avoid making decisions that will negatively impact you and your children in the future. Talk to one of our experts to see what we can do to help you through your divorce.

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Co-Parenting Success Skills for Raising Healthy Children

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In any parenting, the stakes are high. But after divorce, they’re even higher. Creating a healthy co-parenting arrangement is crucial for helping your children to grow into emotionally healthy, confident adults. Co-parenting well is difficult, but for the sake of the children, it needs to be done.

If you and your ex don’t have a comfortable personal relationship, you should both try to think of it as a business relationship instead. Treat your co-parent like a colleague, communicate respectfully and create agreements that you keep. And ask yourself: Would I trash talk my colleague to other people? Would I blow off a meeting or be purposely late? If you wouldn’t do it to a team member at work, don’t do it to your team member in parenting. The danger of bad behavior at work is poor job performance or job loss. The danger of bad behavior in parenting is emotionally damaged children or loss of parenting rights.

Here are some important steps to healthy co-parenting.

  • The right attitude will make all the other steps of co-parenting easier, and that is to have an attitude of empathy. Try to put yourself in your children’s shoes and in your ex’s shoes. How do they feel? How would you want to be treated if you were in their position? Try to act accordingly.
  • Maintain an open dialogue, sharing the children’s schedules and important information. There are websites designed for this. Be sure to keep your co-parent informed of important news, both positive and not-so-positive (like an A on a big test as well as being sent to the principal’s office). That way you can both congratulate your child or help guide him or her into healthier choices.
  • Be flexible. If a big event comes up and your ex wants to take your kids to it, let them go. It will build positive memories for them while also building positive relationships between their parents, which can only be good for them.
  • Have some agreed-upon rules that apply at both houses: bedtime, chores, homework, internet use, manners. Knowing they have the same expectations at both Mom’s and Dad’s place gives your children a sense of consistency, stability, and security. Kids will always try to test boundaries. But it’s important to stay firm on these agreed-upon rules. Allow each parent to have other rules about less crucial things. Recognize people have different parenting styles and respect them. If no serious harm is done, let it go.
  • One rule should be no trash-talking the other parent – that goes for both you and the kids. Focus on the positive traits your ex has, speak to your children about them and think about them yourself to improve your feelings when you have to communicate about parenting.
  • Resist fighting or speaking rudely to each other in front of the children. Conflict between parents creates a sense of helplessness and insecurity in children, increasing the incidence of drug abuse and other unhealthy comfort-seeking behaviors. This example of conflict can also cause future problems in their own personal relationships, and anxiety can suppress the immune system, increasing illness.
  • Avoid being the “Fun Dad” or the “Cool Mom.” Kids need calm, quiet downtime with their non-custodial parents, too. And having a marked imbalance between parents increases a child’s dissatisfaction and insecurity and creates problems for the not-so-fun parent.
  • Agree to roles played by extended family members. They love the children, too, and are also affected by the divorce.
  • Get together regularly for family meetings about parenting decisions. You can include the children, but also have regular meetings yourselves. Update your agreements every year or two to make sure they are current and appropriate as the children grow.
  • When exchanging children for time with the non-custodial parent, have a short, pleasant goodbye so the children get a positive feeling about their visit. Don’t call unnecessarily and take time away from their other parent.

Following these steps may be difficult at first, but remembering that the goal is to help your children thrive should help it become easier in time. And that will be a win for everyone.

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