How To Tell Your Children About Your Divorce

Making the decision to your divorce can be difficult. If you have children, the thought of telling them about the split may be overwhelming. While it can be a very difficult conversation to have with your children, a bit of planning and commitment to compassion will make it easier on everyone.

Have a plan to tell them. You and your spouse are ending your marriage and so will begin your relationship as co-parents. While you may be battling each other on several fronts make the commitment to show your children peace. Bring the children together as a family, and explain the situation and plan. Make sure they are comfortable and in a safe place and do not have plans for that day. They may have a variety of emotions to deal with and will not want to cancel plans or be forced out of the house.

Accept the emotions and questions as they are presented to you and do not tell your children how they should react. They may cry, yell at you, sit stunned or actually say “this is better since you fight all the time.” Your kids will have many questions and may even seem a bit self-centered. Remember, children want to feel secure about where they are going to be living and when they are going to see you. More than likely they have friends who have divorced parents and see the switching of homes and sharing of holidays. Your kids are going to want to know what the plan is for them.

Reassure your children that it was not their fault and that you still love them. Often times children feel that if they behaved better, did not fight with their siblings, or earned better grades their parents would be happier and staying together. It is critical that they hear from you it is not their fault and that adult reasons are the cause for your split.

During the months while you are getting divorced you have a beautiful opportunity to show your children peace. Yes, there may be many moving parts including moving to two new homes. If you give them a stable environment and always come from a place of love while in their presence they will adjust a little easier to all the changes.

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Divorce vs. Mediation

Parties often ask what is the best way to proceed when initially contemplating separation and/or divorce. Generally speaking, parties are encouraged to try to reach an agreement to resolve whatever issues have arisen in any legal matter. In family law, agreements are especially encouraged due to the personal nature of the issues at hand along with the belief that it is better for the parties to draft their own agreement rather than allow a stranger to dictate their family dynamics going forward. Additionally, litigation or time spent in court is often the most expensive aspect of a divorce matter.

Both mediators and divorce attorneys can help you negotiate or draft a settlement agreement. The key difference is a mediator is an impartial third party where as an attorney is representing one party’s interest. This is not to say a divorce cannot be resolved with only one attorney; simply that the attorney cannot give advice to both parties since it would be a conflict of interest. Instead, the attorney should make it clear to the unrepresented party their role in the process and the limitations on communication between the attorney and the unrepresented party. Further, it is possible for both parties to have independent counsel and still reach a settlement agreement. If mediation is successful, an attorney may still be needed to file and process the divorce matter.

Click here to read more about options for mediation.

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When You Do Not Want a Divorce (and Your Spouse Does)

As a Bucks County Divorce attorney I have worked with many clients who are facing a divorce they do not want. They may still be in love and want to work on the marriage. At the very least they want to hold the family together for the sake of the children. However, when the other spouse is adamant, they do come to realize there is little they can do. Many ignore the divorce papers they were serviced. This can be a dangerous mistake to make. It is critical to take a few necessary steps to protect yourself personally, legally, and financially.

First and foremost, if your spouse has started the legal process it is imperative that you take action. There are important timelines to follow including paperwork that must be filed with the court and the gathering of documents in a timely manner. Stalling the process could cause significant problems for you. We should meet to review what has been done, the information you have, and the important pieces you need to put in place.

Next, start collecting documents. No matter where you are in the process or how serious your spouse may be about moving forward, it is time to get educated in the finances of your household. Make a list of all financial accounts you have including passwords to accounts. You will need your original marriage certificate, any financial documents from the last three months, the deed to your home, and insurance information.

And of course, as this is going on you need to take care of yourself. Putting a support system in place will be critical as you deal with the end of your marriage, helping your children into their new lives, and moving forward. This can include confiding in close friends and family (hopefully one who has been through a divorce), and possibly spending time with a therapist to ensure you remain emotionally strong. If your spouse is willing you could see a couples counselor or the head of your religious organization.

When one spouse starts discussing divorce it can be a shock to your system. Take the legal process seriously even if you want to work to stay together. Here at our office in Lanhorne, PA I have worked with clients who have eventually reconciled and recommit to build a stronger marriage. We have also helped those who struggle with the divorce to find a happier life waiting for them in the future.

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Keeping the House in a Divorce

If you want to keep the house in a divorce, you may wonder what they will entail. If the mortgage is in joint names or in your spouse’s name, you are definitely going to need to refinance the mortgage into your own name at the time you get divorced, unless your spouse is nice and agrees to stay on the mortgage longer. If there is equity in the home, and not enough other assets to compensate your spouse in other ways, there is a good chance you are also going to need to come up with additional money as part of the refinance in order to buy your spouse out. The equity will be the value of the home at the time of the distribution less all the debt on the home (mortgage, home equity lien, etc.). The amount you will have to pay your spouse will depend on the percentage split of the assets as well where you live. In some counties they will deduct the cost of sale even though you are not selling the home. In others, they do not. If you need to time to be able to refinance, in some cases, it is recommended that you wait the two year period that you can delay a divorce by not consenting. During that time, as long as the mortgage is being paid you can remain the house while you work to build your credit or income so that you can refinance. If you are interested in keeping the house, you will want to check your credit as soon as you separate and talk to a mortgage broker or lender to see what things you will need to do in order to qualify for a loan and then set a plan to meet those steps. You also want to make sure you create a budget to make sure that you really can afford the home. You will need to project your income, the support you receive and the costs of the home, not just the mortgage but all the maintenance and make a decision based on all those factors.

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FILING DIVORCE ON YOUR OWN

Some people desire to File a divorce on their own. While there is no law the requires that you have an attorney in order to file divorce, the challenge that is often faced is knowing the steps that are needed to process the divorce as well as the legalities of what is needed in service and providing proof to the court. Filing a divorce on your own should never be attempted if you have property to divide or you have alimony issues as you have too much to lose if you do it wrong. Even when you have no issues, it is very difficult to navigate the court system and the requirements. That is not to say it is impossible, just more difficult. Filing the divorce itself is probably the easiest step of the process. You file a complaint for divorce, usually in the county you reside, although if you both waive venue you can file in another county that may have a lower filing fee. After the complaint if filed, however, you need to serve the complaint. This is normally done by certified mail, return receipt requested, but can also be done by acceptance of service or personal service. In some instances, if the defendant cannot be found, you may need to get permission to serve the defendant by publication. You need to prove to the court that service was made so you will need to file proof which varies depending on how the defendant was served. You may also need to verify a signature depending on the county and the method employed. After service is where it becomes tricky. The remaining documents are time-determinative documents based on whether you are filing a two year separation or a 90 day consent divorce. You need to make sure you have the right documents and that you file them and any proof in the correct order. Finally, you will have another set of documents to file to get your final decree if you have no issues that depending on the county need to be served by notice by a certain method, again with proof. If you have no assets and no issues, you may want to consider spending the money to make sure it is handled properly. Most firms will offer a lower cost divorce in these instances. At a minimum, you may want to consult a firm on an hourly basis to review the papers and steps as you go along. While most counties do not have forms available for you to file, if you really want to attempt to file on your own, you may want to contact Potter County in Pennsylvania to obtain any forms available that they have on divorce as many simple divorces are processed through this county, or consult your local bookstore for a how to file book which may be helpful in explaining the process and providing you with forms.

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Dealing with the Car in a Divorce

Divorce brings up many issues and how to address each one. One very common issue is a car. The value of the car is usually determined at the time of the distribution and usually does not have significant value in most cases. Like other assets, it is the value of the car less any liens or loans on the car. Kelly Blue Book is often used to determine the value of the car. The person who keeps the car is responsible for the loan on the car regardless of whose name the loan is in at the time. In some cases, an indemnification clause can be added to the order or agreement whereby the party who keeps the car is responsible for the loan and if they fail to pay, the other party can seek recourse. In some cases, if the party driving the car is owed support, the other side may agree to deduct the amount of the loan payment from the support. Once the loan is paid off, it is important to include language regarding the transfer of the title. If one party is not agreeable to keep the loan in their name while the other party drives the car, then oftentimes, the balance of the loan can be paid off from other assets such as the refinance or sale of the home. In addition to being responsible for any payments on the car, whoever is in possession of the car is also responsible to keep the car insured. If the other side is paying the insurance if the vehicle is in their name, it will be credited back to them in either support or the divorce. Keep in mind that in a divorce, usage of the property oftentimes determines responsibility for payment of expenses.

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Preparing for your Divorce Consultation

When you are considering a divorce, it is often normal to obtain a divorce consultation to find out what to expect and what your rights will be. A divorce consultation may be done by phone or it may be done in the lawyer’s office. In order to make the best use of your time, you want to make sure that you are prepared. You want to keep to the facts and try to leave the emotional story out of the conversation so that you can obtain the best possible advice during the consultation. The basic facts will help the lawyer assist you in explaining your options and what to expect. If you want to have an idea of how much support you will receive or pay, then you will want to be sure to have the information on income for both parties, the cost of the mortgage, medical bills, child care and other expenses. You will also want to have an idea of what you think the custody arrangements may be. If you want to discuss options on how assets may be allocated, you will want to know approximately how much each asset is worth and what type of asset it is, such as a house, retirement account, etc.. If you find that you are too emotional, you may want to consider bringing a trusted friend who can assist you with during the consultation and provide you with emotional support. You may want to make a list of questions that you want to be sure to ask while you are in the consultation as oftentimes, it is overwhelming and you may find it difficult to think clearly. You should bring a pad of paper and pen so you can jot down notes during your consultation.

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Pensions in a Divorce

In a divorce, especially a long term marriage, a pension can be a very valuable asset. Assets accumulated during the marriage are marital assets, regardless of whose name the asset was accumulated in. Retirement accounts, including pensions are marital assets to the extent that they were acquired during the marriage. If a portion of the pension was accumulated prior to the marriage or after the marriage, the court will use a coverture fracture to determine the marital portion. This means the number of years married over the total years that the pension was accumulated will be marital. In addition, many pensions have a survivor benefit that should also be considered. A survivor benefit is an election when the pension is taken that reduces the monthly pension payment based on the election that is chosen. Depending on the value of the pension and the health of the parties, the divorcing spouse may want to pursue the survivor benefit whereby they secure a monthly payment in the event of pension earner’s death which could be various percentages of the monthly pension depending on the election that was taken. Instead of doing a percentage of the marital portion, in some cases, it may be beneficial to have the pension appraised and the survivor benefit appraised to offset the value with other assets. Usually a private company will be hired to do this type of valuation.

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A No Fault Divorce does not always mean a simple divorce

In Pennsylvania, many people hear the words no-fault divorce and expect that it is going to be simple. Most people in Pennsylvania will get divorce on no-fault grounds, even when there has been infidelity or abuse. No-fault divorces refers to the grounds for divorce, meaning you either both sign consents to a divorce, or after two years of separation, you obtain grounds based on a two year separation. It does not necessarily mean that it will be simple. The complexity depends on the assets that have accumulated during the period in which the two parties are married as well as the difference in the incomes. If the parties are seeking to allocate assets between them or one party is seeking alimony, it does not mean that you no-fault divorce will be simple. You will need to either come to an agreement on these issues or you will have to go to court. The simple divorce, however, is the divorce where there are no assets and there is no alimony sought. In those type of cases, you can get divorced relatively quickly after both parties consent or the two year period has passed. You will also not have to go to court and you can process the divorce through the mail. This is true even if there are children since custody is handled separately from the divorce.

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Served with Divorce Papers? Now what?

If you are served with divorce papers, you will want to first, keep them. Do not throw them away even if you are upset or angry. You can get a copy from the courthouse, however, if you have already done this. You are considered served on the day you receive them even if you tell the person who tries to hand it to you that you do not want the divorce papers. Your service date is an important date as it starts the period of time in which you have to wait if you are doing a mutual consent divorce. You will want to have an attorney look at the papers that you received so that they can determine for you if you need to response. The papers will always say you only have so many days to respond. Do not panic. It is unlikely that you will lose rights if you do not answer them within that time frame. Do, however, consult an attorney, who will be able to explain the legal jargon to you and let you know whether a response is required. A response is only usually required if you need to raise new claims such as spousal support or alimony or equitable distribution. Most attorneys will offer a consultation either by phone or in their office, and oftentimes, this initial consultation will be free. If you need support, you may bring someone with you to the appointment or have them on the phone with you. If you are served papers, in most cases, you will want to freeze any joint debt and secure any joint assets, but you may also want to discuss it with your attorney. Being informed and knowing what to expect is an important part of getting you through the process. An attorney can discuss with you what you can expect with respect to distribution of assets, support, and also the time frame in which things may happen or how things may be delayed.

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